time for another blog. i am so depressed right now. so many things i have to do to get ready for Lil Walt to start school and no Lil Walt. i have to call the lawyer today on break and find out how the paperwork is coming. i miss my son, my boys miss their brother and the rest of the family miss him, too. the school called yesterday to see if it was safe to enroll him in classes. i know that this situation is going to turn into a war. am i prepared for war? most likely not. i'll say it again, i'm so depressed. i'm failing my classes, i'm broke as crap, and i feel like my family is encased in pure chaos right now. i'm so distracted right now... i'm writing this blog in class. i wanna cry. i hated having to resort to hiring a lawyer, and adding more stress by trying to figure out how to pay for it. first a $2500 retainer up front plus additional hourly and other expenses/costs. then to know that this could potentially get very ugly; and very expensive. i know i have the support of my family, and they are great cheerleaders, but i may need more than that. i may need someone to go to bat for me, a character witness, you know. i'm not a bad person or a bad mom, but i have been blessed with being different. and not always in a good way. i don't want to go into details that might make me look bad or that may be taken the wrong way. my family and those close to me know and understand. i take care of myself. i take my meds, do my best to remove myself from harmful situations, and i try to manage my stress and chaos. i may not always make the best decisions... but then who does? nobody, not even my ex and his family, are perfect. based on certain things, i have even decided, and am trying very hard, to make some personal changes. one of the things i am trying to change is keeping my opinions to myself. no more voicing what i think, especially if it is mean, rude, or derogatory in any way. that means a quieter me. i need to stop blowing school off and concentrate on it more. i know i may not be happy with my professor and all the work she gives, but i need to pass. i can't have people looking at me thinking i'm not a fit parent, that i already have too much on my plate, because i can't pass school. i'm doing this for myself, to prove that even with a mental disability, i can finish something, and get what i desire. i'm doing this for my family, to help to provide for them. i don't want to be a leach to them for the rest of my life, just because i'm a mental mess. "You never know how STRONG you are... until being strong is the ONLY choice you have." a wallpaper on my iPhone... and it about sums me up right now.
Later.
Blessed Be.
