Positive/Negative Thoughts

I often wonder at this low time in my life, how am I supposed to post something positive? Don't get me wrong, I feel blessed. I have 4 wonderful children, a great man for a husband, and a supportive network of family and friends. But it is often difficult for me to post the positive things in my life. right now the depression is really bad, almost a desolate feeling. there are times when i just feel like i hate my life, but really i know i don't. i have so much to be happy for. 

for example, right now i'm having a discussion with damien over the future of lil walter because lil walter is happy here for the most part but he is causing so many problems. i don't know how to keep the peace any more. i don't know how to keep lil walter happy. he wants to be here but he wants to be with his dad and i've told him he can't have it both ways. 

its seems like every week something is going wrong with my house. whether it is something small that looks like something big or it really is something big... its always something. recently it was a bad surge protector strip that caused the living room breaker to trip. took me half a day to figure out what it was. 

then i have the stresses of school. i have to pass, i have to go 3 more weeks in this term, but i just don;t have it in me. its the depression, i know what it is. i'm pretty sure i'm gonna pass 2 of my classes. i may barely pass Spanish. but the last class, i'm not so sure if i'm gonna pass. :( and that just adds to the stress. 

about the best thing i have to look forward to is the fact that i'm moving to maryland. i can't wait and wish i could go now. but even that feels like a daunting task ahead of me. all the packing and the arrangements to find a suitable place to stay. 

it seems like everywhere i turn, everything i seem to do has a downside that i just can't get past. but it wasn't always like this, there used to be sunshine at the end of the tunnel. i promise. 

on another up note, damien will be home for a short visit to take care of some paperwork in a few weeks. :) and i can't forsee any downside to that.

well, later y'all

Blessed Be

We're going to Maryland!

i have made a firm and final decision. i am moving to Maryland to be with Damien. i know to many this may seem like a selfish thing to do, but its not. the boys and i will go to Maryland to be with Damien, where he needs us and we need him. Lena and Walter, for various reasons, do not want to go and that's OK, i'm not gonna make them. 

i'm already getting ready. i know its early, but i'm super stoked lol. let's see... i found the frogs a new home, for one cat (Ginger) a new home, getting rid of some furniture (thanks, mom) and re-homing some knick-knacks (love you, annemay). that leaves one cat that needs a home (Honey) and some other stuffs that will need to be gone through. some of our stuff will stay here in storage (the garage), and the rest will obviously go with us. 

right now, the big concern is trying to find a place to stay up there. finding a rent house is not easy, mostly apartments. unfortunately all the complexes are still stuck in the 80's-90's, and Dobermans are still listed as dangerous breeds. :( so King wouldn't be able to stay. so we are trying to find an alternative to renting an apartment. on top that, is the washer/dryer issue. down here, you rent, you have to provide your own or use the community or local laundry facility... up there, if its for rent, it comes with a washer/dryer. but i want mine lol. a nice large capacity front loader with matching dryer. after 5 years together, i've kinda grown to love the old team. :) but i am gonna make the best of this move!

so far, gonna be traveling with me, the 2 boys, 2 big dogs (one with high anxiety), and 5 cats. i'm trying to reduced the number of cats i have to take. really i am lol. but on a good note, damien will hopefully be flying down to drive back up with me. i'm gonna need the help. looking at leaving June 3, taking 4 days and arriving on the 6th. so that means taking the next term off :( which i'm gonna hate. but its for the betterment of the whole. 

i said i would never leave Texas again, but for damien i would go to the ends of the earth. and its not forever, its only for about 2 1/2 to 3 years. i can do this, it'll be an adventure! i just hate the snow. he says they don't get a lot, mostly cold rain, but still, its cold. and that's what worries me the most. taking Alex into that cold, humid environment. he's strong and active, but in his own way he's so fragile. all it would take is one bout of pneumonia. but i will take every precaution to make sure he pulls through this move. we can do this. i love little Alex, and would not intentionally put him in danger, but he's not doing well away from damien. he misses his daddy. he's starting to have accidents and wet himself and now this unknown stomach pain that i can't fix. i hoping getting him back in the arms of his daddy will help alleviate most of it. i think at this point in Alex's little life, the benefits of going to Maryland outweigh the risks. 

well, i think i've said my spill. gonna cut this off.

later

Blessed Be

Hope and Love Still Exist

There is an organization called Honey Bee Gives Back. you can find them on FaceBook. They Angels up with children (honey bees) who have a terminal illness. i contacted them last night and Alex was paired with an Angel this morning. and an Angel she is. they send these very special kids letters, cards, and care packages. they don't have to do this, they volunteer to do this. they are just as special as the kids they "adopt". Alex's care package should arrive next week and i will keep you guys posted as to how it goes. i knew there were people like Make-a-Wish, and to get approved for a MAW trip was amazing enough.... but this is just wow. when we found out what Alex had and that his little life was on a delicate string, all i could think about was all the things he was gonna miss. but there are people out there that make it their goal in life to make sure these kids don't miss a thing. this is just wonderful. :)

later y'all

and Blessed Be

Thank you, Angel Alisha!

Stupid House

so we buy a house Aug '10 and it has been nothing but trouble since we moved in. now the foundation is cracked, and its a new house! we've had 2 cracks fixed so far, and have been told its not that bad. they have replaced the tile in the downstairs bathroom and the foyer. now the kitchen tile is cracked. bad. we've plumbing problems, electrical problems, and paint problems. even the plaster on the walls flakes off. not cool. 

i said this house had bad karma lol. but oh well, its a home, our home and we will have to make the best of it.

blessed be

oh, and don't ever buy a DR Horton home. Never!

Back to School

Well, the first two days of school are done. That means the first week is over. Just ten more to go. Lol. So much information has already been crammed into my head, it hurts. Literally, I have a headache. Slept like a rock last night, without even taking anything for sleep. I don't know if it was from exhaustion, or if I'm getting used to sleeping alone. I'm hoping it was from exhaustion. I miss my cuddle buddy. I miss my snuggles. But most of all, I miss my sweetheart.
I went to the store to pick up a few things and passed by the valentines section. So I thought I would pick Damien up a card early while selection was still good. I ended up buying four because I couldn't make up my mind which one I liked best. I decided to send him one a week till valentines day. Lol. I figured it was the best I could do since we can't be together on the day of love.
But back to the subject of school. It's gonna be a rough quarter. So much information. The quarters seem to be getting harder as time goes by. Lets see, I'm taking leadership & organizational development, accounting, Spanish, and foodservice financial management. So much going on. But at least I like all my teachers. The bad thing is, I'm in class till 11 on Tuesday and Wednesday. I had to reschedule Alex's therapy so that we could make it. I have to say that I miss taking him to therapy all the time.
I'm still sleepy from the last two days. Gonna take me a bit to get back to a school schedule. I have homework and chores waiting for me when I get home, already. My day never ends it seems. My work never ends. I wouldn't trade my life though. I'm finally happy. I'm stable. The only thing I would change right now though is to have my husband back home, but I know this job separation is for the best, for the family.
Well, Alex is about out of therapy. I'm gonna cut this off and chat later.

Later and

Blessed Be

Been Such a Long Time, Was Too Afraid to Post

i'm not sure what to say. its been such a long time, four months since i posted. so much has happened, so much i want to say, but so much that i am afraid to voice. mostly for fear of reprisal. but who should i fear? some of my family have unfriended me on Facebook and the rest don't talk to me. (lol) let's see, where to start? oh, yeah, my father moved down here to San Antonio, to try and be a family again.but we'll see. so, after he moved down here, things between me and mom got really rocky and i told her it was best if she moved out. she, dad, and my grandma moved out, but now things between me and mom aren't that great. she's mad at Damien and its me she should be mad at. then, right after Thanksgiving, Damien left for Maryland for his new job. that leaves me and the kids alone in this big house. my life sucks. 
the only thing i can think of right now, is my latest tattoo. on my right forearm are tattooed the words, "you never know how strong you are... until being strong is the only choice you have." i have to be strong, i have to get through this. we, as a family, need this. i can't say that the time away from Damien will do us any good but we have to make it work. i miss him so much. i miss my mom too. not much i can do about it though. i visit as often as i can, but its not enough. i feel so alone, especially when i'm sitting up at my desk at night because i can't sleep. 
i don't know what else to say. i'm lonely, i'm depressed, i don't sleep, and i don't know how i'm going to keep pushing through. but i know that my kids need me. i do promise to keep posting more, i just can't promise that they will be happy posts.

later y'all

Blessed Be

on Chaos and Strength

time for another blog. i am so depressed right now. so many things i have to do to get ready for Lil Walt to start school and no Lil Walt. i have to call the lawyer today on break and find out how the paperwork is coming. i miss my son, my boys miss their brother and the rest of the family miss him, too. the school called yesterday to see if it was safe to enroll him in classes. i know that this situation is going to turn into a war. am i prepared for war? most likely not. i'll say it again, i'm so depressed. i'm failing my classes, i'm broke as crap, and i feel like my family is encased in pure chaos right now. i'm so distracted right now... i'm writing this blog in class. i wanna cry. i hated having to resort to hiring a lawyer, and adding more stress by trying to figure out how to pay for it. first a $2500 retainer up front plus additional hourly and other expenses/costs. then to know that this could potentially get very ugly; and very expensive. i know i have the support of my family, and they are great cheerleaders, but i may need more than that. i may need someone to go to bat for me, a character witness, you know. i'm not a bad person or a bad mom, but i have been blessed with being different. and not always in a good way. i don't want to go into details that might make me look bad or that may be taken the wrong way. my family and those close to me know and understand. i take care of myself. i take my meds, do my best to remove myself from harmful situations, and i try to manage my stress and chaos. i may not always make the best decisions... but then who does? nobody, not even my ex and his family, are perfect. based on certain things, i have even decided, and am trying very hard, to make some personal changes. one of the things i am trying to change is keeping my opinions to myself. no more voicing what i think, especially if it is mean, rude, or derogatory in any way. that means a quieter me. i need to stop blowing school off and concentrate on it more. i know i may not be happy with my professor and all the work she gives, but i need to pass. i can't have people looking at me thinking i'm not a fit parent, that i already have too much on my plate, because i can't pass school. i'm doing this for myself, to prove that even with a mental disability, i can finish something, and get what i desire. i'm doing this for my family, to help to provide for them. i don't want to be a leach to them for the rest of my life, just because i'm a mental mess. "You never know how STRONG you are... until being strong is the ONLY choice you have." a wallpaper on my iPhone... and it about sums me up right now.

Later.

Blessed Be.