Surgery and Family Ties

once again, i waited forever to write. its been a little rough since my last writing. Damien had surgery...again...on his back in March. it was supposed to be in February, but he got sick, so we had to postpone it. Anyway, surgery itself went okay, the spinal stimulator came out easy but the hardware from the last fusion gave a bit of fight. He was left with some pain in his right thigh. the doctor said it should subside in another few weeks. Besides that, his iron and vitamin D have been very low, causing him to feel sick and sleep a lot. Got him started on some supplements and he is being monitored closely by his doctor. As for me, I had a procedure to repair my gastric bypass surgery. I am happy to say that it went well, and I have slowly started to loose the weight that I had gained. Feels good. I know there is more to everything than I have said, but i tend to shrug it off. I mean, most days after his surgery, i was back to the beginning. That meant helping him out of bed, showering him, then dressing him. I hate those times, and I know he does, too. He tries so hard to be independent. I just just don't see him ever getting there fully. and it hurts when family doesn't understand. His family. My family, cousins mostly. I sit here and laugh sometimes, thinking about how people get so excited that their loved one is going off to join the military, to defend our great country. Yet, no one really comprehends the cost that that loved one could end up paying. Damien, thankfully, did't pay the ultimate price, but he paid a high one. Most times he doesn't understand simple human interaction. He forgets things, more than the average person. i have to remind him to take his meds, take his insulin, to eat, even the last time he washed his hair. We could have a conversation today, and by tonight he would ask me about it, details because he forgot what we talked about. i'm pretty sure I've talked about all this before, but it weighs heavy on me. the things i go through in a day. and his family doesn't understand and doesn't want to understand. they have never called me to ask questions, to see how he is, to learn about his conditions. Nothing! And my family just thinks he's an ass.  I just don't understand how people could not care about family like that. How they could just turn their backs on them so easily. I don't get it. I will say though, that since my last posting I have been able to get back to normal. For me. Along with having the stomach procedure, I also had a good iron infusion and was able to start taking my meds regularly again. I got back into going to meetings for my 12 Step Program. It's been good to get back. I needed the fellowship. 

I have another rant coming, so i'll cut this post off...

Blessed Be

My January

I am once again sitting here, steeping in my own life, not wanting to share it. It's 4am and I can't sleep because I’m so stressed out. Since the 15th of January, my Keurig broke, my fridge's ice dispenser is leaking, 2 of the 4 bathrooms in my house are not working, the kitchen faucet went out, I’m behind a truck note, and now I’m being sued for child support. And I wonder why I can't sleep. A week ago, I giggled thinking at least I wasn't the guy down the street that had his rims/tires stolen right off his truck, but I think now he might have been better off than me. 

So, I’ll break it down one "tragedy" at a time:

          My Keurig gets a workout. I used it several times a day, the kids used, and occasionally, my husband used it. We had one of the large ones, that had an 80oz water tank. So, you know the thing worked hard. J I go on a weekend hunting trip with Damien, only to come home to a broken Keurig. All I wanted all weekend was fresh tea, a 16oz glass of it. Get home and the pump in the damn thing has gone out. My daughter is sorry, and I tell her that its ok, it wasn’t her fault. Unfortunately, I can’t run out and get a new one, I must wait till payday on the first. But I will not be defeated! I go to mom’s and borrow hers.

          On to the next upset, the fridge. This is still a work in progress. Came home from the hunting trip to realize that the ice dispenser was leaking from somewhere and it was all over my floor. Called the extended warranty from Lowes, the guy comes out, and has to order a part. Still waiting for that, dispenser still leaking, and I’m still frustrated at the whole thing. I just had the defroster in the damn thing fixed, now this. I hate GE. At least I have the extended warranty.

          Again, getting home from the hunting trip, only to get told by my boys that their bathroom toilet has stopped working. I go in there to troubleshoot it and realize that the insides to the tank have completely fallen apart. Nothing I can do till the first, so I shut down the toilet and they will have to use the powder/guest restroom for a little while.

          A few days after all this, the kitchen sink faucet decides to lose water pressure at 9pm and leak all over the counter. Story of my life it seems. I HAVE to have a kitchen sink that functions. I will have to do this on my own. With no other options, I reluctantly open a Lowes account. The next morning, I go to Lowes and pick out a nice faucet, one that will function well with our family. I then drive 45 minutes away to pick up my parents and dad and I install the new faucet. I at least got some family time with my parents and a new faucet out of this one.

          Ok, on to the upstairs bathroom, which belongs to my beautiful daughter. A week later, after the hell weekend, her toilet does the same thing as the boys’. But she can’t go without a toilet because it’s too far to come all the way downstairs to go to the restroom. Really, it’s too far. So, back to Lowes I go. What I thought would be an easy fix ripping out the old tank plumbing and installing new plumbing, turned into a 2 day, 4 trips to Lowes, ordeal. And I still didn’t get it down to my liking. She needs a new handle, I had to take the one off the boys’ toilet for now to get hers working. Nothing on those damn toilets is standard. Nothing! But I was able to at least get her bathroom working again. J

          The reason for the truck note being behind. That was a problem that showed up at the first of the month. So, I guess the whole month has been bad. What a way to start off the New Year. I was having trouble with the front end of my truck shaking very badly at high speeds, really anything over 60mph. And in Texas, that’s usually slow. I took the truck into the dealership, and was told the answer was simple. My tires were bald. Not good. I had to make a choice, pay the truck note or get new tires, the cheap ones too. I opted for the tires. I’ll get the truck note caught up, just gonna take me a few months. Unless a miracle happens. At least I got new tires and the shaking stopped. That’s always a bonus.

          And finally, the child support issue. This one hurts. And before anyone suggest or thinks, no I have not been ignoring the problem on this one. I think about it every day, wondering what I did to deserve this. Long story short, when I divorced my ex-husband, I received custody of the kids. He was ordered to pay $182 a month for both children. I raised my daughter and son, with the help of Damien and my family, the best that any mom could for 10 yrs. But my son would not accept life as it was. So, in 2013 I split custody of the kids with my ex. I got my daughter, and he took our son. Our son has been an angel ever since he got what he wanted, his dad. For two years, things went by smoothly. Then my daughter turned 18 and I got hit with a court order to pay $360 a month to my ex for the support of our son! $360!! I got a lousy $182 for 2 kids, and he wants $360 for one! Yes, I’m fighting it, but I’m not getting very far very fast. You see, so long as we split custody there was supposed to be no child support. Technically, I still retain custody of my daughter because she’s still in high school. That’s my ace and I’m praying it works. I’ll leave my ex-husband financial rant for another post.

          Anyway, that was my January. I hope this post finds you well and you had a better start to the New Year.

Blessed be…

Lessarey 

Getting back in the swing

I stopped blogging a some years ago. Not because I didn't have anything to say, but because I had too much to say. So much going on, so many changes so fast. So many things I didn't want to air out for people to see, certain people. But I know now that if I talk about those things and get them out I'll feel better. I know now that sharing my experience, strength and hope can maybe help someone else. I don't have to post a link to my blog on social media, i.e. Facebook, but I can let others know that they are not alone in their struggles.

First I would like to say that the main reason I quit with my (for me) therapeutic blog, was because I got sober. I didn't want to talk about it. Not because I was sober but because of the nature of my addiction. I am 3 years and 10 months into my sobriety from sex addiction. I want to say I'm proud but pride is one of my biggest flaws. I'm content. For the first time in my life I can say that. 

The second reason is Alexander, my youngest. You see, Alex has a rare form of muscular dystrophy called mitochondrial encephalomyopathy. Big words, I know. I don't like talking about it much. And you'll notice with me, I don't like talking about things much at all. But Alex is better off than some. But in his own world, our world, what he and we deal with is enough. Alex's mito disease takes a lot out of him. Sometimes faster than he can put it back. Someone once said it was like taking 2 Volkswagen batteries and trying to run a Ferrari off them. You don't get very far very fast. Alex burns through energy so fast but eats twice what a child his age should. And he's so skinny. It's hard being his mom, or dad. I've learned immense strength from him. And I've learned to be happy just to be alive. That each breath is precious. 

The last reason I quit is I didn't want to talk about my struggles with Damien and his injuries. Like I said, I tend to keep a lot inside and it's unhealthy. Damien was injured in a active-duty military related accident in August of 2006; which resulted in a back injury, TBI, and hip/shoulder problems. From the back injury, he now has nerve damage, loss of use of most of his left leg and chronic pain. The TBI has its own set of issues. He forgets, a lot. Chronic migraines. Issues with irritability and cognition. He has lost so much; memories, education, how to do stuff. He can't remember the day Donovan was born. Some stuff comes back slowly, others may not come back at all. 

These are just some of the things that I will write about in the future. But this time I will share because I know now that I don't have to share with those that don't matter. More on that one soon. 

Blessed Be,

Lessarey 

In Maryland, and stuck...

so i made it to Maryland on the 2nd of July. still no place to live and Damien was fired on last Thursday, the 11th of July. i can't get into specifics here. its just doesn't make any sense. none. my stuff is stuck in storage. my life is in the worst kind of chaos it has ever been, and i want to go home. my life is a whirl wind right now and i just want it to stop. on a good side, there are lots of people that want to help us to get back on track. people that want to fix what happened. people that want to help us through this rough time. even to find Damien a new job and to get us there. wherever it is. they even want to get us back to Texas if at all possible. i have been through so much the six months. i've crashed to my lowest and picked myself up by myself. i've changed some really bad habits, and gotten help with some awful ones. i've made new friends and cleaned out some bad ones. i've rediscovered journaling and driving for the sake of driving to clear my head. i wish i could go driving now, but i don't where the hell i would go in this ass backwards state. lol... right now, my first instinct is to run, just run. but i know that is the wrong answer. i'm so confused about so many things, and no one to go out with. I MISS YOU, MONICA! i need someone to talk to, to help me sort things out. part of me wants to say " i hate my life, it sucks", but on the good side at least we are together as a family again, at least we have each other. things will get better, and with any luck, we'll be back in Texas sooner than we had originally planned. 

later,

Blessed Be...

An attempt at prose

this is an attempt at prose. just something to get my creative juices flowing and to get somethings out of my head.

AMENDS

I sit here tonight wondering

If you will ever want me again

I suffer from a heavy sadness

One that is rooted deep in remorse

I regret all that I have done

The lies, the cheating, the secrets

I don’t know how to say “I’m sorry”

In a way that you’ll understand

I wish I could prove I’m changing

And you could see the new me blooming

I still face temptation at every turn

But rise strong and meet it head on

I hope you someday see this new strength

That wells up in me and grows everyday

I want to say “I love you” a thousand times

Yet face a fear that it will only anger you

I miss you so much, ache for you daily

Your love, your touch, your sweet kisses

I am dying and there is only one cure

You, your love, your final forgiveness

Finding my way with new coping skills

i'm working on changing some of my bad coping behaviors with healthier, better coping behaviors. but it almost seems like an impossible task. i know its because i'm trying to change too much too fast. i feel like i'm trying to change the very fiber of my being. i feel like i'm being set up for failure before i really even get started. i know these changes are for the best if i want my relationship to work. i know they are for the best if i want to better myself. 

Coping skills:

* seek out support/friends. DO NOT isolate myself. 

* learn to control and let go of my anger by taking a walk, not breaking/throwing things, and not screaming. Breathe deep, always.

* take an active role in fighting depression by getting exercise such as walking the dogs.

* avoid destructive sexual behaviors by calling a supportive friend. 

* take my meds. Even when I feel I don't need them. Including sleeping pills. 

* creative writing exercises

one of my new coping skills is to write, both poetry and short story. but i'm so stressed out and depressed right now i can't think. i downloaded some apps to assist me in writing poetry. i figured i'd start there first. a little more simple than trying to write a short story. even though i have these apps to help me write, i still have writer's block today. but then it has been a hell of a day and i'm tired. 

when it comes to getting more active, i did try to walk the dogs with lena today but king ended up dragging me. i put a stop to that by running to Petsmart and getting him a prong collar. much more well behaved now lol. so gonna try walking them again tomorrow. 

right now i'm sitting here, writing my blog, trying to cope. coping with the fact that i have really f'ed up this time. i miss damien, i miss my companion, my best friend, my lover. i wish i could change the things i did, take back the things i said, but alas, i cannot. what i can do is change the future. coping skills, that's what i need. and a strong support system. i need to shed all of this negative thinking and begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. to see the good things in life. positive happy thoughts is what i need. 

i will get through this!

blessed be

later

You Might Be A Texan If...

i just had to post this here, it was easier than sharing  it with all my friends on FB lol...

YOU MIGHT BE A TEXAN IF..........

1. You can properly pronounce Corsicana, Palestine, Decatur, Wichita Falls, Mexia, Waco, Beaumont, Pflugerville, Kerrville, Boerne, New Braunfels, and Amarillo.

2. Your manners include: "Please", "Thank You", "Excuse me", "Ma'am" & "Sir" & you wanna punch those who don't use them.

3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to put the stuff out in the yard you wanna get rid of.

4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

5. You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C”, TWICE in the same day.

6. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.

7. Stores don’t have bags, they have sacks.

8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals, with the utmost respect!

9. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

10. You measure distance in minutes or hours.

11. You refer to the capital of Texas as “home of the Longhorns.”

12. You know that the Chicken Ranch didn’t really raise chickens.

13. Little Smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.

14. You go to the lake because you know what a Bigmouth and a Striper is.

15. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

16. You know cowpies are not made of beef.

17. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan a wedding date.

18. You have known someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your fist.

19. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.

20. You know that “Damnyankee” is one word.

21. You aren’t surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store... & it's a Drive-thru.

22. You always have iced tea & cold beer available for guests.

23. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 diesel 4x4 is.

24. You know everything goes better with Ranch dressing or hot sauce.

25. You learned how to shoot a gun as soon as you can walk.

26. You actually like these jokes and are fixin’ to send them to your friends.

27. You know not to order a chicken fried steak using words like “rare” or “well done”.

28. You never use the word “veggies”.

29. You know where the Cotton Bowl is.

30. You are 100% Texan if you have ever heard this conversation:
“You wanna coke?”
“Yeah.”
“What kind?”
“Dr. Pepper.”

Positive/Negative Thoughts

I often wonder at this low time in my life, how am I supposed to post something positive? Don't get me wrong, I feel blessed. I have 4 wonderful children, a great man for a husband, and a supportive network of family and friends. But it is often difficult for me to post the positive things in my life. right now the depression is really bad, almost a desolate feeling. there are times when i just feel like i hate my life, but really i know i don't. i have so much to be happy for. 

for example, right now i'm having a discussion with damien over the future of lil walter because lil walter is happy here for the most part but he is causing so many problems. i don't know how to keep the peace any more. i don't know how to keep lil walter happy. he wants to be here but he wants to be with his dad and i've told him he can't have it both ways. 

its seems like every week something is going wrong with my house. whether it is something small that looks like something big or it really is something big... its always something. recently it was a bad surge protector strip that caused the living room breaker to trip. took me half a day to figure out what it was. 

then i have the stresses of school. i have to pass, i have to go 3 more weeks in this term, but i just don;t have it in me. its the depression, i know what it is. i'm pretty sure i'm gonna pass 2 of my classes. i may barely pass Spanish. but the last class, i'm not so sure if i'm gonna pass. :( and that just adds to the stress. 

about the best thing i have to look forward to is the fact that i'm moving to maryland. i can't wait and wish i could go now. but even that feels like a daunting task ahead of me. all the packing and the arrangements to find a suitable place to stay. 

it seems like everywhere i turn, everything i seem to do has a downside that i just can't get past. but it wasn't always like this, there used to be sunshine at the end of the tunnel. i promise. 

on another up note, damien will be home for a short visit to take care of some paperwork in a few weeks. :) and i can't forsee any downside to that.

well, later y'all

Blessed Be

We're going to Maryland!

i have made a firm and final decision. i am moving to Maryland to be with Damien. i know to many this may seem like a selfish thing to do, but its not. the boys and i will go to Maryland to be with Damien, where he needs us and we need him. Lena and Walter, for various reasons, do not want to go and that's OK, i'm not gonna make them. 

i'm already getting ready. i know its early, but i'm super stoked lol. let's see... i found the frogs a new home, for one cat (Ginger) a new home, getting rid of some furniture (thanks, mom) and re-homing some knick-knacks (love you, annemay). that leaves one cat that needs a home (Honey) and some other stuffs that will need to be gone through. some of our stuff will stay here in storage (the garage), and the rest will obviously go with us. 

right now, the big concern is trying to find a place to stay up there. finding a rent house is not easy, mostly apartments. unfortunately all the complexes are still stuck in the 80's-90's, and Dobermans are still listed as dangerous breeds. :( so King wouldn't be able to stay. so we are trying to find an alternative to renting an apartment. on top that, is the washer/dryer issue. down here, you rent, you have to provide your own or use the community or local laundry facility... up there, if its for rent, it comes with a washer/dryer. but i want mine lol. a nice large capacity front loader with matching dryer. after 5 years together, i've kinda grown to love the old team. :) but i am gonna make the best of this move!

so far, gonna be traveling with me, the 2 boys, 2 big dogs (one with high anxiety), and 5 cats. i'm trying to reduced the number of cats i have to take. really i am lol. but on a good note, damien will hopefully be flying down to drive back up with me. i'm gonna need the help. looking at leaving June 3, taking 4 days and arriving on the 6th. so that means taking the next term off :( which i'm gonna hate. but its for the betterment of the whole. 

i said i would never leave Texas again, but for damien i would go to the ends of the earth. and its not forever, its only for about 2 1/2 to 3 years. i can do this, it'll be an adventure! i just hate the snow. he says they don't get a lot, mostly cold rain, but still, its cold. and that's what worries me the most. taking Alex into that cold, humid environment. he's strong and active, but in his own way he's so fragile. all it would take is one bout of pneumonia. but i will take every precaution to make sure he pulls through this move. we can do this. i love little Alex, and would not intentionally put him in danger, but he's not doing well away from damien. he misses his daddy. he's starting to have accidents and wet himself and now this unknown stomach pain that i can't fix. i hoping getting him back in the arms of his daddy will help alleviate most of it. i think at this point in Alex's little life, the benefits of going to Maryland outweigh the risks. 

well, i think i've said my spill. gonna cut this off.

later

Blessed Be

Hope and Love Still Exist

There is an organization called Honey Bee Gives Back. you can find them on FaceBook. They Angels up with children (honey bees) who have a terminal illness. i contacted them last night and Alex was paired with an Angel this morning. and an Angel she is. they send these very special kids letters, cards, and care packages. they don't have to do this, they volunteer to do this. they are just as special as the kids they "adopt". Alex's care package should arrive next week and i will keep you guys posted as to how it goes. i knew there were people like Make-a-Wish, and to get approved for a MAW trip was amazing enough.... but this is just wow. when we found out what Alex had and that his little life was on a delicate string, all i could think about was all the things he was gonna miss. but there are people out there that make it their goal in life to make sure these kids don't miss a thing. this is just wonderful. :)

later y'all

and Blessed Be

Thank you, Angel Alisha!

Stupid House

so we buy a house Aug '10 and it has been nothing but trouble since we moved in. now the foundation is cracked, and its a new house! we've had 2 cracks fixed so far, and have been told its not that bad. they have replaced the tile in the downstairs bathroom and the foyer. now the kitchen tile is cracked. bad. we've plumbing problems, electrical problems, and paint problems. even the plaster on the walls flakes off. not cool. 

i said this house had bad karma lol. but oh well, its a home, our home and we will have to make the best of it.

blessed be

oh, and don't ever buy a DR Horton home. Never!

Back to School

Well, the first two days of school are done. That means the first week is over. Just ten more to go. Lol. So much information has already been crammed into my head, it hurts. Literally, I have a headache. Slept like a rock last night, without even taking anything for sleep. I don't know if it was from exhaustion, or if I'm getting used to sleeping alone. I'm hoping it was from exhaustion. I miss my cuddle buddy. I miss my snuggles. But most of all, I miss my sweetheart.
I went to the store to pick up a few things and passed by the valentines section. So I thought I would pick Damien up a card early while selection was still good. I ended up buying four because I couldn't make up my mind which one I liked best. I decided to send him one a week till valentines day. Lol. I figured it was the best I could do since we can't be together on the day of love.
But back to the subject of school. It's gonna be a rough quarter. So much information. The quarters seem to be getting harder as time goes by. Lets see, I'm taking leadership & organizational development, accounting, Spanish, and foodservice financial management. So much going on. But at least I like all my teachers. The bad thing is, I'm in class till 11 on Tuesday and Wednesday. I had to reschedule Alex's therapy so that we could make it. I have to say that I miss taking him to therapy all the time.
I'm still sleepy from the last two days. Gonna take me a bit to get back to a school schedule. I have homework and chores waiting for me when I get home, already. My day never ends it seems. My work never ends. I wouldn't trade my life though. I'm finally happy. I'm stable. The only thing I would change right now though is to have my husband back home, but I know this job separation is for the best, for the family.
Well, Alex is about out of therapy. I'm gonna cut this off and chat later.

Later and

Blessed Be

Been Such a Long Time, Was Too Afraid to Post

i'm not sure what to say. its been such a long time, four months since i posted. so much has happened, so much i want to say, but so much that i am afraid to voice. mostly for fear of reprisal. but who should i fear? some of my family have unfriended me on Facebook and the rest don't talk to me. (lol) let's see, where to start? oh, yeah, my father moved down here to San Antonio, to try and be a family again.but we'll see. so, after he moved down here, things between me and mom got really rocky and i told her it was best if she moved out. she, dad, and my grandma moved out, but now things between me and mom aren't that great. she's mad at Damien and its me she should be mad at. then, right after Thanksgiving, Damien left for Maryland for his new job. that leaves me and the kids alone in this big house. my life sucks. 
the only thing i can think of right now, is my latest tattoo. on my right forearm are tattooed the words, "you never know how strong you are... until being strong is the only choice you have." i have to be strong, i have to get through this. we, as a family, need this. i can't say that the time away from Damien will do us any good but we have to make it work. i miss him so much. i miss my mom too. not much i can do about it though. i visit as often as i can, but its not enough. i feel so alone, especially when i'm sitting up at my desk at night because i can't sleep. 
i don't know what else to say. i'm lonely, i'm depressed, i don't sleep, and i don't know how i'm going to keep pushing through. but i know that my kids need me. i do promise to keep posting more, i just can't promise that they will be happy posts.

later y'all

Blessed Be

on Chaos and Strength

time for another blog. i am so depressed right now. so many things i have to do to get ready for Lil Walt to start school and no Lil Walt. i have to call the lawyer today on break and find out how the paperwork is coming. i miss my son, my boys miss their brother and the rest of the family miss him, too. the school called yesterday to see if it was safe to enroll him in classes. i know that this situation is going to turn into a war. am i prepared for war? most likely not. i'll say it again, i'm so depressed. i'm failing my classes, i'm broke as crap, and i feel like my family is encased in pure chaos right now. i'm so distracted right now... i'm writing this blog in class. i wanna cry. i hated having to resort to hiring a lawyer, and adding more stress by trying to figure out how to pay for it. first a $2500 retainer up front plus additional hourly and other expenses/costs. then to know that this could potentially get very ugly; and very expensive. i know i have the support of my family, and they are great cheerleaders, but i may need more than that. i may need someone to go to bat for me, a character witness, you know. i'm not a bad person or a bad mom, but i have been blessed with being different. and not always in a good way. i don't want to go into details that might make me look bad or that may be taken the wrong way. my family and those close to me know and understand. i take care of myself. i take my meds, do my best to remove myself from harmful situations, and i try to manage my stress and chaos. i may not always make the best decisions... but then who does? nobody, not even my ex and his family, are perfect. based on certain things, i have even decided, and am trying very hard, to make some personal changes. one of the things i am trying to change is keeping my opinions to myself. no more voicing what i think, especially if it is mean, rude, or derogatory in any way. that means a quieter me. i need to stop blowing school off and concentrate on it more. i know i may not be happy with my professor and all the work she gives, but i need to pass. i can't have people looking at me thinking i'm not a fit parent, that i already have too much on my plate, because i can't pass school. i'm doing this for myself, to prove that even with a mental disability, i can finish something, and get what i desire. i'm doing this for my family, to help to provide for them. i don't want to be a leach to them for the rest of my life, just because i'm a mental mess. "You never know how STRONG you are... until being strong is the ONLY choice you have." a wallpaper on my iPhone... and it about sums me up right now.

Later.

Blessed Be.

Drama

i want to write, but i don't know what to say. just all the crap happening. the biggest thing right now is the drama with my ex. i don't even know if i should be blogging about it. i have to think though, who is gonna see it lol... except those people that really care. after the day i've had, all i can say is wow, just wow. i just want to vent, without being judged or criticized. i'm not a bad person, i swear. i've done the best that i could do as a parent, i've tried to make the best decisions that i could for my kids considering the circumstances. but to be told that i never wanted my oldest son, to be told that i was a bad mother... that is enough to crush someone. yes, i will admit that i have a very low opinion of my ex, and my daughter and i have discussed our feelings about her dad, but damn. i mean, really? 

so i talk ed to my ex this morning and we got into an argument over the kids. he is willing to bring lena back to me, but because i don't love lil walt and am an unfit mother, he will not let me have lil walt back. i don't understand. and before anybody asks, no i am not going to take this sitting down. but i don't want to go into details right now. saving the suspense for later lol... i missed my evening class today because i was so upset. anyway, i go get lena in the morning. she's really upset right now because of the crap going on with me and her dad. 

getting sleepy, long day tomorrow... i'll have a surprise for everyone tomorrow evening :) 

later

Blessed Be

night

Kendra

i want to start this blog off with a picture. this is a pic that Damien took for me this morning of a small memorial that we have set up for our beloved Kendra. you see, we made the decision to have Kendra put to sleep yesterday. she was a tender 8 years old, so young. and so beautiful. Kendra was a seal-point Siamese that Damien had adopted. unknown to us, she was infected with the feline herpes virus, or feline viral rhinotracheittis. after helping fight this life long disease, it finally got the best of her, and as a result cancer set in. she went downhill so fast. 

but the point of this particular blog, is to about the loss that many suffer but that most think is insignificate. the loss of a beloved pet. a part of the family. and in some cases, the loss of a part of ones self. when you love and cherish something as small, dependent, and loving as a pet (in this case a cat), it is hard not to feel an emptiness in your heart when they are gone. after losing Gringo so unexpectedly, i was left with a hole in heart, a void. then i got Kitty and the void was patched, but i still miss Gringo so much. nothing will ever replace him. since losing Kendra yesterday, i have never seen Damien so distraught. he is beside himself with grief. she was his world, his companion, his shadow, and his constant. and anyone who has ever has a Siamese knows that when they pick their person, that they are theirs for life. they bonded in way that only comes along once in lifetime. he takes solace in knowing that she is now in the Summerland, happy and healthy, forever sunning herself in warm window, and that one day he will be with her again. 

its interesting how they met. a true love-at-first-site story. we were at PetSmart, going to the Banfield clinic with our first 3 cats. they were having an adoption day with several rescue societies. he wanted to go look, just to go look mind you. and he saw her. a tiny little white and black Siamese, she looked like a little rat she was so skinny with her long thin tail. he picked her up and she immediately went right to his shoulder and began to lick his ear. she had him "lick". 

even as much as she annoyed him at times, he still loved her. it was a mutual unconditional love. I've never seen him cry, until yesterday. 

its hard to understand why some people say that animals, or pets, have no soul. if you could see the two of them, you would think differently. may her little soul rest in peace and may she find the happiness that she had here with her Daddy. when we get her ashes back on Tuesday, they will forever sit on his desk.

later

Blessed Be

some people and their attitude

its been busy here since we got back from florida. all the prepping and getting ready for the vow renewal, the renewal itself on the 7th, and then i started school on the 11th. then i feel like i just haven't had anything to post. i want to post, i want to vent, but i'm afraid that if i do, some people will see it and the world will explode. but if i've unfriended everyone that would cause a stink, why should it matter? 

on a good side note, my dad came down for a week's visit and it was great. i haven't seen mom so happy in such a long time. and the kids couldn't get enough of him. we all miss him already. can't wait till he gets back. :)

but the real thing that bothers me is i don't understand why a parent would think that it is ok to tell their child that they (the child) essentially sucks at being a parent. my husband has tried very hard to be a parent to ALL of OUR children, but there have been obstacles in the way. namely the parent in offence. i don't understand, what would give anyone the right to call another person a failure? especially in the subject of family or in being a parent. its just wrong, so fucking wrong. we try very hard to be the best parents that we can be, and we have done very well. we get complemented on our kids all the time. and alex gets praise from his doctors all the time about how well he is cared for. yes, we have made some mistakes, but we have gone out of our way to correct and learn from them. but some people just won't give us the tools that we seek and need to be a good and responsible parent to ALL OUR kids. 

yes, i will admit that i have 4 kids and 1 step-daughter... but how can i accept her as my daughter when i have never been accepted as her mom? as far as some people are concerned, i will never be anything more than.... i don't know what. its frustrating. i was supposed to be temporary, a phase. we were supposed to last just 2-3 years, then he would move on. that's not what happened, we are now a well bonded family, permanent. and sayurday's ceremony was meant to prove that to some people. and i have a feeling it left a bad taste in her mouth. 

laters.

Blessed Be.

Day 7 and the Long Plane Ride Home

we made it, we survived lol. got up early, finished the packing, and made it out the door at 11am. at the airport, we had a nice leisure lunch. alex passed out though,didn't even get half way through his happy meal burger. made it to the plane loading terminal in plenty of time and loaded up first. then, it started. just as we were loading onto the plane, it starts to rain. no big deal, but the lightening begins to strike the airfield. so we wait for over half an hour for this to pass. ok, on to the runway. we are number 6 in line to take off.... more waiting, another half an hour. we get into position to take off and a f***ing flock of birds decides to land. really?!?? seriously?!!?? so another 20 minute wait. we boarded before 4:30, in time for take off and didn't leave the airport until after 6pm. bogus. 

but it was so nice to touchdown back in texas. even though we were late. literally throw everything in the van and head home. soup for dinner and then off to bed. screw unpacking. we'll do that over the next few days. 

i was so exhausted and it was so nice to home that i slept for 12 hours. but i'm up now, and fed.... so time to start going through the stuff and putting things where they generally go....

later.

Blessed Be.

Make-A-Wish Day 6: the Crash

ok, mommy and sister and big brother have all officially crashed. Dad is still going. i have been so dizzy since last night, sister slept till after 10 and Walter just wants to relax in the pool. the two little boys just want to go do something. so we're gonna clean, start packing, and then carousel and pool time. damien is a bit upset because he wanted to go Universal Studios-Orlando. but sometimes we never get what we want, this trip was about Alex and giving the parents and siblings a rest and having bonding time. so We, as a family, are gonna go rest by the pool and bond lol.crap, its already raining again. 


well, raining or not, we went swimming. for 2 hours. all in all, it was a good day. damien went to Universal Studios, alone, and we went exploring in the village resort. played at the playground and let the kids ride the carousel for almost an hour till dinner. alex passed out and didn't even make it to dinner. and while i have dinner on my mind, the gingerbread house buffet was serving turkey and all the trimmings, but alex wanted a burger. one of the volunteers overheard me trying to get alex to eat something else and him insisting that all he wanted was a burger. so i go sit us at our table and the next thing i know, the head chef comes out and says he heard that a little boy wanted a burger. he asks alex if he's that little boy and Alex says yes, he wants a hamburger for dinner. the chef asks if alex would like cheese on it and he says cheese. i'm just stumped, speechless. i tell the chef (who looks like a smaller Gordon Ramsey lol) that doesn't have to go out of his way. and he informs me that its not a problem and that if these kids want a hamburger, they get one, with cheese. it took everything i had not to cry. five minutes later alex passed out. but the chef wrapped up the cheeseburger and we took it back to the villa where alex ate it later. with a smile on his face, he was so happy. 


the kids also got to see Santa today. because everyday here is a holiday or birthday. another great day down. no pictures for today, because we really didn't do much. plane ride home tomorrow. need to finish packing :( see everyone soon!


later.


Blessed Be.

A Rainy Day 5

frankly, i'm tired. so glad tomorrow is the last day before we fly home on Friday. 

but on to today's exciting events. started the day out at about 9am. got the kids out the door at 11am. headed straight for the Magic Kingdom. went on a jungle ride, "flying" carpet ride, saw a Tiki show and then on to Pirates of the Caribbean. when we got out of that ride, the skies had just opened up. the kids at that point just wanted to go back to the villa. which was cool with me because the battery in my camera had died and i forgot the spare at the villa. 

expecting another wet day tomorrow. so right now our plans are up in the air. we might get up really early and make our way to Universal Studios-Orlando. then came back here in the afternoon and chill and pack. will let y'all know how it goes. 

pictures are already posted on FaceBook.

later.

Blessed Be.