on being BiPolar and seeing Blue October

i spent an emotional roller coaster ride this weekend. so many ups and a few lows. but the ups are what get me. seeing Blue October was one of the greatest moments of my life, but the crash from that a few days later is killer. i wasn't getting enough mood control on my cut back dose of med so called the doctor and taking a risk on the side effects, went back up to the regular dose. damned if i do, damned if i don't. a friend asked me to describe what it is like being BiPolar. its hard to describe, especially when you throw in the effects of also being Schizo-affective. i know this is bit much for some of you, but it makes me feel better to let others know. to know what?, some may ask. to know that i'm not crazy, that i don't ask this way just to be a bitch or to be immature. and yes, these are names that i have been called, among others.
years ago, a question was asked by a non-bipolar forum goer to the bipolars on the forum. "What's it like to be bipolar?" and it got me to really thinking. i tried to answer her question as best as i could and still keep it short, cause as most of y'all may know, i can chatter. but i feel as if enough wasn't said.

being bipolar is more than just having the constant mood-swings, the endless ups and downs. it used to be called Manic-Depressive Disorder, but i don't think that really emcompasses it all. i feel like it leaves something out, so calling it Bipolar Disorder really is a better term. you feel like two people, Jekyll and Hyde. Hot one minute and cold the next. Generally up today and down tomorrow, happy now and pissed off at nothing before the time changes on the clock. your thoughts constantly racing, never really settling on one particiular thing. i wrote a story that took me 2 years, i couldn't stay focused on it for very long, i could see the images in my mind but i couldn't get them down on paper fast enough before they were gone. even your sleep cycles are erratic. you stay up sometimes 2 or 3 days and then sleep a full 24 hours before you are up again. for some, the mental torture doesn't end there. the schizo-affective kicks in and you have to deal with the hallucinations and or voices. personally, i don't have a lot hallucinations, thankfully. i'm fucked up enough.

i am an ultra-ultra rapid cycler. what does that mean? in short, my moods and thoughts can cycle as fast as an MP3 player on shuffle. for the most part, the mood changes go relativley unnoticed, but sometimes they can be severe. Stress usually makes these changes worse. Stressors or triggers cause these often horrific eipsodes. i could literally be laughing and then bam!, like lightning, screaming, throwing the phone and storming out of the house to take a drive. its crazy, i feel like i'm crazy. nuts. psycho. bonkers. but they tell me i'm ok, i'm not the worst thing out there. i'm lucky. i've never done drugs, alcohol, smoked. never been institutionalized. i'm doing really good. i just don't feel like it sometimes. sometomes i wish they could lock me away and throw away the key. i get tired of hurting those closest to me. and do you know how expensive gas in my truck gets? my poor cell phone, Goddess Bless OtterBox. lol

no one can ever truely know what it is like to be in the mind of a Bipolar person. i remember being a teen, and my parents asking me if i was on drugs. they told they were concerned because i showed the signs of someone on drugs. whatever that means. turns out, i was in the beginning stages of Bipolarism, which usually manifests in the mid to late teens, often as late as the early twenties.

i am truly lucky and blessed by the Goddess, though. to have such a wonderful family and friends that have stayed by me through it all. my mom loved me no matter what, my ex would hold be till the rage passed, my husband now cradles me till the crying is over and the crash has faded. my kids...my poor kids. to see their mom happy one minute and angry the next. they will need therapy later in life :( medication helps, it makes the thoughts slow down and the voices go away. helps the moods to stabize, a lot. i can almost function like a normal human. i miss the peace of my childhood. the craziest thing though, is that Bipolar people don't tolerate change, for the most part. and it seems that's all our lives are full of, change. changing from one mood to the next in a minute. flipping thoughts like old men flip channels on the TV. change, constant change.

so Saturday was really o roller coaster. i couldn't keep up with myself at times. i wanted to meet Blue October, to at least get close to them, but the fear was so great it almost choked me. but somehow i over came that and was able to get my autographs. i cried as a walked away, more from being so proud of my self than anything. by the grace of the Goddess, i was also able to get front row seats to see them. another plus, but on the flip side, all those people up there. but i made it through. i sang, i screamed, and jumped up and down. it was great. 
Sunday morning, i crashed. i didn't even want to get a shower, much less crawl out of bed. Damien and i ended up in fight over a puppy, it was insane. something as mundane as a puppy. 
but i'm home now, trying to restablize. my social worker is trying to help me learn new and better coping skills. and all i can say is good luck. both to me and to her. and that story i wrote, as soon as i get done with it, and turn it in for my creative writing class assignment, i might post it here.

i hope this has given some of you a little more insight into the mind of a Bipolar person...

later y'all....