Surgery and Family Ties

once again, i waited forever to write. its been a little rough since my last writing. Damien had surgery...again...on his back in March. it was supposed to be in February, but he got sick, so we had to postpone it. Anyway, surgery itself went okay, the spinal stimulator came out easy but the hardware from the last fusion gave a bit of fight. He was left with some pain in his right thigh. the doctor said it should subside in another few weeks. Besides that, his iron and vitamin D have been very low, causing him to feel sick and sleep a lot. Got him started on some supplements and he is being monitored closely by his doctor. As for me, I had a procedure to repair my gastric bypass surgery. I am happy to say that it went well, and I have slowly started to loose the weight that I had gained. Feels good. I know there is more to everything than I have said, but i tend to shrug it off. I mean, most days after his surgery, i was back to the beginning. That meant helping him out of bed, showering him, then dressing him. I hate those times, and I know he does, too. He tries so hard to be independent. I just just don't see him ever getting there fully. and it hurts when family doesn't understand. His family. My family, cousins mostly. I sit here and laugh sometimes, thinking about how people get so excited that their loved one is going off to join the military, to defend our great country. Yet, no one really comprehends the cost that that loved one could end up paying. Damien, thankfully, did't pay the ultimate price, but he paid a high one. Most times he doesn't understand simple human interaction. He forgets things, more than the average person. i have to remind him to take his meds, take his insulin, to eat, even the last time he washed his hair. We could have a conversation today, and by tonight he would ask me about it, details because he forgot what we talked about. i'm pretty sure I've talked about all this before, but it weighs heavy on me. the things i go through in a day. and his family doesn't understand and doesn't want to understand. they have never called me to ask questions, to see how he is, to learn about his conditions. Nothing! And my family just thinks he's an ass.  I just don't understand how people could not care about family like that. How they could just turn their backs on them so easily. I don't get it. I will say though, that since my last posting I have been able to get back to normal. For me. Along with having the stomach procedure, I also had a good iron infusion and was able to start taking my meds regularly again. I got back into going to meetings for my 12 Step Program. It's been good to get back. I needed the fellowship. 

I have another rant coming, so i'll cut this post off...

Blessed Be

My January

I am once again sitting here, steeping in my own life, not wanting to share it. It's 4am and I can't sleep because I’m so stressed out. Since the 15th of January, my Keurig broke, my fridge's ice dispenser is leaking, 2 of the 4 bathrooms in my house are not working, the kitchen faucet went out, I’m behind a truck note, and now I’m being sued for child support. And I wonder why I can't sleep. A week ago, I giggled thinking at least I wasn't the guy down the street that had his rims/tires stolen right off his truck, but I think now he might have been better off than me. 

So, I’ll break it down one "tragedy" at a time:

          My Keurig gets a workout. I used it several times a day, the kids used, and occasionally, my husband used it. We had one of the large ones, that had an 80oz water tank. So, you know the thing worked hard. J I go on a weekend hunting trip with Damien, only to come home to a broken Keurig. All I wanted all weekend was fresh tea, a 16oz glass of it. Get home and the pump in the damn thing has gone out. My daughter is sorry, and I tell her that its ok, it wasn’t her fault. Unfortunately, I can’t run out and get a new one, I must wait till payday on the first. But I will not be defeated! I go to mom’s and borrow hers.

          On to the next upset, the fridge. This is still a work in progress. Came home from the hunting trip to realize that the ice dispenser was leaking from somewhere and it was all over my floor. Called the extended warranty from Lowes, the guy comes out, and has to order a part. Still waiting for that, dispenser still leaking, and I’m still frustrated at the whole thing. I just had the defroster in the damn thing fixed, now this. I hate GE. At least I have the extended warranty.

          Again, getting home from the hunting trip, only to get told by my boys that their bathroom toilet has stopped working. I go in there to troubleshoot it and realize that the insides to the tank have completely fallen apart. Nothing I can do till the first, so I shut down the toilet and they will have to use the powder/guest restroom for a little while.

          A few days after all this, the kitchen sink faucet decides to lose water pressure at 9pm and leak all over the counter. Story of my life it seems. I HAVE to have a kitchen sink that functions. I will have to do this on my own. With no other options, I reluctantly open a Lowes account. The next morning, I go to Lowes and pick out a nice faucet, one that will function well with our family. I then drive 45 minutes away to pick up my parents and dad and I install the new faucet. I at least got some family time with my parents and a new faucet out of this one.

          Ok, on to the upstairs bathroom, which belongs to my beautiful daughter. A week later, after the hell weekend, her toilet does the same thing as the boys’. But she can’t go without a toilet because it’s too far to come all the way downstairs to go to the restroom. Really, it’s too far. So, back to Lowes I go. What I thought would be an easy fix ripping out the old tank plumbing and installing new plumbing, turned into a 2 day, 4 trips to Lowes, ordeal. And I still didn’t get it down to my liking. She needs a new handle, I had to take the one off the boys’ toilet for now to get hers working. Nothing on those damn toilets is standard. Nothing! But I was able to at least get her bathroom working again. J

          The reason for the truck note being behind. That was a problem that showed up at the first of the month. So, I guess the whole month has been bad. What a way to start off the New Year. I was having trouble with the front end of my truck shaking very badly at high speeds, really anything over 60mph. And in Texas, that’s usually slow. I took the truck into the dealership, and was told the answer was simple. My tires were bald. Not good. I had to make a choice, pay the truck note or get new tires, the cheap ones too. I opted for the tires. I’ll get the truck note caught up, just gonna take me a few months. Unless a miracle happens. At least I got new tires and the shaking stopped. That’s always a bonus.

          And finally, the child support issue. This one hurts. And before anyone suggest or thinks, no I have not been ignoring the problem on this one. I think about it every day, wondering what I did to deserve this. Long story short, when I divorced my ex-husband, I received custody of the kids. He was ordered to pay $182 a month for both children. I raised my daughter and son, with the help of Damien and my family, the best that any mom could for 10 yrs. But my son would not accept life as it was. So, in 2013 I split custody of the kids with my ex. I got my daughter, and he took our son. Our son has been an angel ever since he got what he wanted, his dad. For two years, things went by smoothly. Then my daughter turned 18 and I got hit with a court order to pay $360 a month to my ex for the support of our son! $360!! I got a lousy $182 for 2 kids, and he wants $360 for one! Yes, I’m fighting it, but I’m not getting very far very fast. You see, so long as we split custody there was supposed to be no child support. Technically, I still retain custody of my daughter because she’s still in high school. That’s my ace and I’m praying it works. I’ll leave my ex-husband financial rant for another post.

          Anyway, that was my January. I hope this post finds you well and you had a better start to the New Year.

Blessed be…

Lessarey 

Getting back in the swing

I stopped blogging a some years ago. Not because I didn't have anything to say, but because I had too much to say. So much going on, so many changes so fast. So many things I didn't want to air out for people to see, certain people. But I know now that if I talk about those things and get them out I'll feel better. I know now that sharing my experience, strength and hope can maybe help someone else. I don't have to post a link to my blog on social media, i.e. Facebook, but I can let others know that they are not alone in their struggles.

First I would like to say that the main reason I quit with my (for me) therapeutic blog, was because I got sober. I didn't want to talk about it. Not because I was sober but because of the nature of my addiction. I am 3 years and 10 months into my sobriety from sex addiction. I want to say I'm proud but pride is one of my biggest flaws. I'm content. For the first time in my life I can say that. 

The second reason is Alexander, my youngest. You see, Alex has a rare form of muscular dystrophy called mitochondrial encephalomyopathy. Big words, I know. I don't like talking about it much. And you'll notice with me, I don't like talking about things much at all. But Alex is better off than some. But in his own world, our world, what he and we deal with is enough. Alex's mito disease takes a lot out of him. Sometimes faster than he can put it back. Someone once said it was like taking 2 Volkswagen batteries and trying to run a Ferrari off them. You don't get very far very fast. Alex burns through energy so fast but eats twice what a child his age should. And he's so skinny. It's hard being his mom, or dad. I've learned immense strength from him. And I've learned to be happy just to be alive. That each breath is precious. 

The last reason I quit is I didn't want to talk about my struggles with Damien and his injuries. Like I said, I tend to keep a lot inside and it's unhealthy. Damien was injured in a active-duty military related accident in August of 2006; which resulted in a back injury, TBI, and hip/shoulder problems. From the back injury, he now has nerve damage, loss of use of most of his left leg and chronic pain. The TBI has its own set of issues. He forgets, a lot. Chronic migraines. Issues with irritability and cognition. He has lost so much; memories, education, how to do stuff. He can't remember the day Donovan was born. Some stuff comes back slowly, others may not come back at all. 

These are just some of the things that I will write about in the future. But this time I will share because I know now that I don't have to share with those that don't matter. More on that one soon. 

Blessed Be,

Lessarey 

In Maryland, and stuck...

so i made it to Maryland on the 2nd of July. still no place to live and Damien was fired on last Thursday, the 11th of July. i can't get into specifics here. its just doesn't make any sense. none. my stuff is stuck in storage. my life is in the worst kind of chaos it has ever been, and i want to go home. my life is a whirl wind right now and i just want it to stop. on a good side, there are lots of people that want to help us to get back on track. people that want to fix what happened. people that want to help us through this rough time. even to find Damien a new job and to get us there. wherever it is. they even want to get us back to Texas if at all possible. i have been through so much the six months. i've crashed to my lowest and picked myself up by myself. i've changed some really bad habits, and gotten help with some awful ones. i've made new friends and cleaned out some bad ones. i've rediscovered journaling and driving for the sake of driving to clear my head. i wish i could go driving now, but i don't where the hell i would go in this ass backwards state. lol... right now, my first instinct is to run, just run. but i know that is the wrong answer. i'm so confused about so many things, and no one to go out with. I MISS YOU, MONICA! i need someone to talk to, to help me sort things out. part of me wants to say " i hate my life, it sucks", but on the good side at least we are together as a family again, at least we have each other. things will get better, and with any luck, we'll be back in Texas sooner than we had originally planned. 

later,

Blessed Be...

An attempt at prose

this is an attempt at prose. just something to get my creative juices flowing and to get somethings out of my head.

AMENDS

I sit here tonight wondering

If you will ever want me again

I suffer from a heavy sadness

One that is rooted deep in remorse

I regret all that I have done

The lies, the cheating, the secrets

I don’t know how to say “I’m sorry”

In a way that you’ll understand

I wish I could prove I’m changing

And you could see the new me blooming

I still face temptation at every turn

But rise strong and meet it head on

I hope you someday see this new strength

That wells up in me and grows everyday

I want to say “I love you” a thousand times

Yet face a fear that it will only anger you

I miss you so much, ache for you daily

Your love, your touch, your sweet kisses

I am dying and there is only one cure

You, your love, your final forgiveness

Finding my way with new coping skills

i'm working on changing some of my bad coping behaviors with healthier, better coping behaviors. but it almost seems like an impossible task. i know its because i'm trying to change too much too fast. i feel like i'm trying to change the very fiber of my being. i feel like i'm being set up for failure before i really even get started. i know these changes are for the best if i want my relationship to work. i know they are for the best if i want to better myself. 

Coping skills:

* seek out support/friends. DO NOT isolate myself. 

* learn to control and let go of my anger by taking a walk, not breaking/throwing things, and not screaming. Breathe deep, always.

* take an active role in fighting depression by getting exercise such as walking the dogs.

* avoid destructive sexual behaviors by calling a supportive friend. 

* take my meds. Even when I feel I don't need them. Including sleeping pills. 

* creative writing exercises

one of my new coping skills is to write, both poetry and short story. but i'm so stressed out and depressed right now i can't think. i downloaded some apps to assist me in writing poetry. i figured i'd start there first. a little more simple than trying to write a short story. even though i have these apps to help me write, i still have writer's block today. but then it has been a hell of a day and i'm tired. 

when it comes to getting more active, i did try to walk the dogs with lena today but king ended up dragging me. i put a stop to that by running to Petsmart and getting him a prong collar. much more well behaved now lol. so gonna try walking them again tomorrow. 

right now i'm sitting here, writing my blog, trying to cope. coping with the fact that i have really f'ed up this time. i miss damien, i miss my companion, my best friend, my lover. i wish i could change the things i did, take back the things i said, but alas, i cannot. what i can do is change the future. coping skills, that's what i need. and a strong support system. i need to shed all of this negative thinking and begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. to see the good things in life. positive happy thoughts is what i need. 

i will get through this!

blessed be

later

You Might Be A Texan If...

i just had to post this here, it was easier than sharing  it with all my friends on FB lol...

YOU MIGHT BE A TEXAN IF..........

1. You can properly pronounce Corsicana, Palestine, Decatur, Wichita Falls, Mexia, Waco, Beaumont, Pflugerville, Kerrville, Boerne, New Braunfels, and Amarillo.

2. Your manners include: "Please", "Thank You", "Excuse me", "Ma'am" & "Sir" & you wanna punch those who don't use them.

3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to put the stuff out in the yard you wanna get rid of.

4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

5. You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C”, TWICE in the same day.

6. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.

7. Stores don’t have bags, they have sacks.

8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals, with the utmost respect!

9. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

10. You measure distance in minutes or hours.

11. You refer to the capital of Texas as “home of the Longhorns.”

12. You know that the Chicken Ranch didn’t really raise chickens.

13. Little Smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.

14. You go to the lake because you know what a Bigmouth and a Striper is.

15. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

16. You know cowpies are not made of beef.

17. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan a wedding date.

18. You have known someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your fist.

19. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.

20. You know that “Damnyankee” is one word.

21. You aren’t surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store... & it's a Drive-thru.

22. You always have iced tea & cold beer available for guests.

23. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 diesel 4x4 is.

24. You know everything goes better with Ranch dressing or hot sauce.

25. You learned how to shoot a gun as soon as you can walk.

26. You actually like these jokes and are fixin’ to send them to your friends.

27. You know not to order a chicken fried steak using words like “rare” or “well done”.

28. You never use the word “veggies”.

29. You know where the Cotton Bowl is.

30. You are 100% Texan if you have ever heard this conversation:
“You wanna coke?”
“Yeah.”
“What kind?”
“Dr. Pepper.”