Been Such a Long Time, Was Too Afraid to Post

i'm not sure what to say. its been such a long time, four months since i posted. so much has happened, so much i want to say, but so much that i am afraid to voice. mostly for fear of reprisal. but who should i fear? some of my family have unfriended me on Facebook and the rest don't talk to me. (lol) let's see, where to start? oh, yeah, my father moved down here to San Antonio, to try and be a family again.but we'll see. so, after he moved down here, things between me and mom got really rocky and i told her it was best if she moved out. she, dad, and my grandma moved out, but now things between me and mom aren't that great. she's mad at Damien and its me she should be mad at. then, right after Thanksgiving, Damien left for Maryland for his new job. that leaves me and the kids alone in this big house. my life sucks. 
the only thing i can think of right now, is my latest tattoo. on my right forearm are tattooed the words, "you never know how strong you are... until being strong is the only choice you have." i have to be strong, i have to get through this. we, as a family, need this. i can't say that the time away from Damien will do us any good but we have to make it work. i miss him so much. i miss my mom too. not much i can do about it though. i visit as often as i can, but its not enough. i feel so alone, especially when i'm sitting up at my desk at night because i can't sleep. 
i don't know what else to say. i'm lonely, i'm depressed, i don't sleep, and i don't know how i'm going to keep pushing through. but i know that my kids need me. i do promise to keep posting more, i just can't promise that they will be happy posts.

later y'all

Blessed Be

on Chaos and Strength

time for another blog. i am so depressed right now. so many things i have to do to get ready for Lil Walt to start school and no Lil Walt. i have to call the lawyer today on break and find out how the paperwork is coming. i miss my son, my boys miss their brother and the rest of the family miss him, too. the school called yesterday to see if it was safe to enroll him in classes. i know that this situation is going to turn into a war. am i prepared for war? most likely not. i'll say it again, i'm so depressed. i'm failing my classes, i'm broke as crap, and i feel like my family is encased in pure chaos right now. i'm so distracted right now... i'm writing this blog in class. i wanna cry. i hated having to resort to hiring a lawyer, and adding more stress by trying to figure out how to pay for it. first a $2500 retainer up front plus additional hourly and other expenses/costs. then to know that this could potentially get very ugly; and very expensive. i know i have the support of my family, and they are great cheerleaders, but i may need more than that. i may need someone to go to bat for me, a character witness, you know. i'm not a bad person or a bad mom, but i have been blessed with being different. and not always in a good way. i don't want to go into details that might make me look bad or that may be taken the wrong way. my family and those close to me know and understand. i take care of myself. i take my meds, do my best to remove myself from harmful situations, and i try to manage my stress and chaos. i may not always make the best decisions... but then who does? nobody, not even my ex and his family, are perfect. based on certain things, i have even decided, and am trying very hard, to make some personal changes. one of the things i am trying to change is keeping my opinions to myself. no more voicing what i think, especially if it is mean, rude, or derogatory in any way. that means a quieter me. i need to stop blowing school off and concentrate on it more. i know i may not be happy with my professor and all the work she gives, but i need to pass. i can't have people looking at me thinking i'm not a fit parent, that i already have too much on my plate, because i can't pass school. i'm doing this for myself, to prove that even with a mental disability, i can finish something, and get what i desire. i'm doing this for my family, to help to provide for them. i don't want to be a leach to them for the rest of my life, just because i'm a mental mess. "You never know how STRONG you are... until being strong is the ONLY choice you have." a wallpaper on my iPhone... and it about sums me up right now.

Later.

Blessed Be.

Drama

i want to write, but i don't know what to say. just all the crap happening. the biggest thing right now is the drama with my ex. i don't even know if i should be blogging about it. i have to think though, who is gonna see it lol... except those people that really care. after the day i've had, all i can say is wow, just wow. i just want to vent, without being judged or criticized. i'm not a bad person, i swear. i've done the best that i could do as a parent, i've tried to make the best decisions that i could for my kids considering the circumstances. but to be told that i never wanted my oldest son, to be told that i was a bad mother... that is enough to crush someone. yes, i will admit that i have a very low opinion of my ex, and my daughter and i have discussed our feelings about her dad, but damn. i mean, really? 

so i talk ed to my ex this morning and we got into an argument over the kids. he is willing to bring lena back to me, but because i don't love lil walt and am an unfit mother, he will not let me have lil walt back. i don't understand. and before anybody asks, no i am not going to take this sitting down. but i don't want to go into details right now. saving the suspense for later lol... i missed my evening class today because i was so upset. anyway, i go get lena in the morning. she's really upset right now because of the crap going on with me and her dad. 

getting sleepy, long day tomorrow... i'll have a surprise for everyone tomorrow evening :) 

later

Blessed Be

night

Kendra

i want to start this blog off with a picture. this is a pic that Damien took for me this morning of a small memorial that we have set up for our beloved Kendra. you see, we made the decision to have Kendra put to sleep yesterday. she was a tender 8 years old, so young. and so beautiful. Kendra was a seal-point Siamese that Damien had adopted. unknown to us, she was infected with the feline herpes virus, or feline viral rhinotracheittis. after helping fight this life long disease, it finally got the best of her, and as a result cancer set in. she went downhill so fast. 

but the point of this particular blog, is to about the loss that many suffer but that most think is insignificate. the loss of a beloved pet. a part of the family. and in some cases, the loss of a part of ones self. when you love and cherish something as small, dependent, and loving as a pet (in this case a cat), it is hard not to feel an emptiness in your heart when they are gone. after losing Gringo so unexpectedly, i was left with a hole in heart, a void. then i got Kitty and the void was patched, but i still miss Gringo so much. nothing will ever replace him. since losing Kendra yesterday, i have never seen Damien so distraught. he is beside himself with grief. she was his world, his companion, his shadow, and his constant. and anyone who has ever has a Siamese knows that when they pick their person, that they are theirs for life. they bonded in way that only comes along once in lifetime. he takes solace in knowing that she is now in the Summerland, happy and healthy, forever sunning herself in warm window, and that one day he will be with her again. 

its interesting how they met. a true love-at-first-site story. we were at PetSmart, going to the Banfield clinic with our first 3 cats. they were having an adoption day with several rescue societies. he wanted to go look, just to go look mind you. and he saw her. a tiny little white and black Siamese, she looked like a little rat she was so skinny with her long thin tail. he picked her up and she immediately went right to his shoulder and began to lick his ear. she had him "lick". 

even as much as she annoyed him at times, he still loved her. it was a mutual unconditional love. I've never seen him cry, until yesterday. 

its hard to understand why some people say that animals, or pets, have no soul. if you could see the two of them, you would think differently. may her little soul rest in peace and may she find the happiness that she had here with her Daddy. when we get her ashes back on Tuesday, they will forever sit on his desk.

later

Blessed Be

some people and their attitude

its been busy here since we got back from florida. all the prepping and getting ready for the vow renewal, the renewal itself on the 7th, and then i started school on the 11th. then i feel like i just haven't had anything to post. i want to post, i want to vent, but i'm afraid that if i do, some people will see it and the world will explode. but if i've unfriended everyone that would cause a stink, why should it matter? 

on a good side note, my dad came down for a week's visit and it was great. i haven't seen mom so happy in such a long time. and the kids couldn't get enough of him. we all miss him already. can't wait till he gets back. :)

but the real thing that bothers me is i don't understand why a parent would think that it is ok to tell their child that they (the child) essentially sucks at being a parent. my husband has tried very hard to be a parent to ALL of OUR children, but there have been obstacles in the way. namely the parent in offence. i don't understand, what would give anyone the right to call another person a failure? especially in the subject of family or in being a parent. its just wrong, so fucking wrong. we try very hard to be the best parents that we can be, and we have done very well. we get complemented on our kids all the time. and alex gets praise from his doctors all the time about how well he is cared for. yes, we have made some mistakes, but we have gone out of our way to correct and learn from them. but some people just won't give us the tools that we seek and need to be a good and responsible parent to ALL OUR kids. 

yes, i will admit that i have 4 kids and 1 step-daughter... but how can i accept her as my daughter when i have never been accepted as her mom? as far as some people are concerned, i will never be anything more than.... i don't know what. its frustrating. i was supposed to be temporary, a phase. we were supposed to last just 2-3 years, then he would move on. that's not what happened, we are now a well bonded family, permanent. and sayurday's ceremony was meant to prove that to some people. and i have a feeling it left a bad taste in her mouth. 

laters.

Blessed Be.

Day 7 and the Long Plane Ride Home

we made it, we survived lol. got up early, finished the packing, and made it out the door at 11am. at the airport, we had a nice leisure lunch. alex passed out though,didn't even get half way through his happy meal burger. made it to the plane loading terminal in plenty of time and loaded up first. then, it started. just as we were loading onto the plane, it starts to rain. no big deal, but the lightening begins to strike the airfield. so we wait for over half an hour for this to pass. ok, on to the runway. we are number 6 in line to take off.... more waiting, another half an hour. we get into position to take off and a f***ing flock of birds decides to land. really?!?? seriously?!!?? so another 20 minute wait. we boarded before 4:30, in time for take off and didn't leave the airport until after 6pm. bogus. 

but it was so nice to touchdown back in texas. even though we were late. literally throw everything in the van and head home. soup for dinner and then off to bed. screw unpacking. we'll do that over the next few days. 

i was so exhausted and it was so nice to home that i slept for 12 hours. but i'm up now, and fed.... so time to start going through the stuff and putting things where they generally go....

later.

Blessed Be.

Make-A-Wish Day 6: the Crash

ok, mommy and sister and big brother have all officially crashed. Dad is still going. i have been so dizzy since last night, sister slept till after 10 and Walter just wants to relax in the pool. the two little boys just want to go do something. so we're gonna clean, start packing, and then carousel and pool time. damien is a bit upset because he wanted to go Universal Studios-Orlando. but sometimes we never get what we want, this trip was about Alex and giving the parents and siblings a rest and having bonding time. so We, as a family, are gonna go rest by the pool and bond lol.crap, its already raining again. 


well, raining or not, we went swimming. for 2 hours. all in all, it was a good day. damien went to Universal Studios, alone, and we went exploring in the village resort. played at the playground and let the kids ride the carousel for almost an hour till dinner. alex passed out and didn't even make it to dinner. and while i have dinner on my mind, the gingerbread house buffet was serving turkey and all the trimmings, but alex wanted a burger. one of the volunteers overheard me trying to get alex to eat something else and him insisting that all he wanted was a burger. so i go sit us at our table and the next thing i know, the head chef comes out and says he heard that a little boy wanted a burger. he asks alex if he's that little boy and Alex says yes, he wants a hamburger for dinner. the chef asks if alex would like cheese on it and he says cheese. i'm just stumped, speechless. i tell the chef (who looks like a smaller Gordon Ramsey lol) that doesn't have to go out of his way. and he informs me that its not a problem and that if these kids want a hamburger, they get one, with cheese. it took everything i had not to cry. five minutes later alex passed out. but the chef wrapped up the cheeseburger and we took it back to the villa where alex ate it later. with a smile on his face, he was so happy. 


the kids also got to see Santa today. because everyday here is a holiday or birthday. another great day down. no pictures for today, because we really didn't do much. plane ride home tomorrow. need to finish packing :( see everyone soon!


later.


Blessed Be.

A Rainy Day 5

frankly, i'm tired. so glad tomorrow is the last day before we fly home on Friday. 

but on to today's exciting events. started the day out at about 9am. got the kids out the door at 11am. headed straight for the Magic Kingdom. went on a jungle ride, "flying" carpet ride, saw a Tiki show and then on to Pirates of the Caribbean. when we got out of that ride, the skies had just opened up. the kids at that point just wanted to go back to the villa. which was cool with me because the battery in my camera had died and i forgot the spare at the villa. 

expecting another wet day tomorrow. so right now our plans are up in the air. we might get up really early and make our way to Universal Studios-Orlando. then came back here in the afternoon and chill and pack. will let y'all know how it goes. 

pictures are already posted on FaceBook.

later.

Blessed Be.

Day 4: LegoLand

you know, this getting up late thing is tiring lol. needless to say, we missed breakfast this morning. instead we grabbed a quick snack and headed out the door. got on the road to LegoLand at about 11:15am lol. takes an hour to get there. 

i just want to say that it was great! better than the Disney parks we had visited so far. it is so kid-friendly at LL. and they LOVE Make-A-Wish kids. went to the main gift shop and got a discount. then on to the first ride. and i should say that all the rides are designed for kids 48" and some for as small as 38". and many of the rides can be ridden parent-free. alex got to go on his first roller coaster at the castle. and donovan chickened out lol. i will post the picture when i get home and can scan it in. then on to another ride called Island in the Sky. really hard to explain this one. but then we went on the carousel and they let alex ride twice, but he didn't want to. so on to a pic with a giant lego man. from there it was a trip to MiniLand. EVERYTHING was made of legos in miniature form. new york, london, las vegas, NASA, Daytona, a pirate scene.... we even saw animals tucked into the landscape made of legos. i couldn't take enough pictures. walter and donovan (who finally got up the nerve) went on a coaster, minus the parents. the kids rode lego horses on a "jousting" ride. donovan got to play on playgrounds and little lego stations are dotted everywhere for the kids. oh yeah, there was also a life-sized Darth Vader and R2-D2 made from legos. this place was amazing. we all had so much fun. wish there was one close to us in texas lol. 

well, pics are posted on FaceBook. gonna call it a night. trying to get a day of rest tomorrow, but damien is insistent on doing Universal Studios-Orlando tomorrow :( ...

later.

Blessed Be.

Day 3 and OMG

started out with getting up on time this morning. we even made it to breakfast early. after breakfast, throw the kids in the mini van (yes, mini van. and those that know me know how much i hate them lol) and off we go. 

we hit Disney's Animal Kingdom first. yes, i said first. saw a show about birds,  saw a 3D show based on A Bug's life (it was really creepy, spiders and all), had another over priced lunch, and did some lookin'. it was better than EPCOT. and beautiful. blooming hibiscus bushes everywhere. we really enjoyed it.

after that, we took the bus back to Disney's Hollywood Studios. from there, we hit the ground running. first we went to Star Tours, were donovan chickened out :( so i didn't get to go. from there we went to the Muppets 3D show. it was amazing. then on to the Tower of Terror for damien. after that, damien and donovan went on the Rockin' Roller Coaster. 

wow, what a full day. so tired. gonna take a break from Disney tomorrow and take Alex on a surprise trip. will post lots of pics from that one lol. pics from today will be posted on FaceBook because there are too many to try to upload here..i will also upload the rest of the pics from the previous days to FB. enjoy!

later.

Blessed Be.

Day 2: Our Trip to EPCOT

so tired. too tired to write a blog lol. i just want to take my book and read till i crash. 


we got up late, like 8am. got on the road and made it there at about 10am. we took pictures, went on rides, had an over priced lunch lol, and the kids did the talk to crush the turtle thing. then... we lost alex. i mean really lost him. and i'm amazed that the Disney cast members didn't do more to help find him. they acted like it happens all the time and made no effort to assist us in locating him. thankfully he found him, in the gift shop, after about 5 maybe 7 min. but alex and i were so freaked out. EPCOT was ok, but what i'm really looking forward to is the Magic Kingdom, so i'm saving that for last. :) 


so, hyped up on sugar now. just had ice cream. the ice cream shop here at GKTW is open from 7:30am to 9:30pm, no joke. its nuts, crazy. all the sugar and candy you can stomach. wow lol. and dad took the little boys to play a giant game of candyland, and they came back to the villa with candy. they spoil these kids here. its great. 


well, gonna sign off for now, till tomorrow. enjoy the pics.


later


and Blessed Be.

Alex's Make-A-Wish Trip: Day 1

once again i have waited too long to post. with so much going on its hard to get time to write a blog. but this semester/quarter is over, finals are done and i am ready for my break. and  a great start to my break is alex's make-a-wish trip to Orlando. got up early this morning and made it the airport. got through security, which was a trip lol. with damien's implants and alex's wheelchair. but, got through that and on to waiting for the plane to arrive and breakfast. have i ever told anybody that McDonald's sucks. we got to go on the plane first and get good seats, so that was a plus. then the two little boys got to meet the pilot and sit in the cockpit, it was great. donovan got so bored during the flight... his DS died, he didn't want to color, didn't want to do his brain teaser book, nope on reading, nothing. alex got sick, more nauseous than anything. i gave him 1/2 a dramamine and he fell asleep. lena and walter read their books and colored. walter didn't get sick till we landed though. he's had an upset tummy since we landed, ended up giving him a dramamine and felt a bit better. other than needing her usual nap, lena faired pretty well. damien had a nic fit. by the time we landed, he needed a smoke real bad. me, i just sat back and read my book. till we started to land, then i got so queasy. i just knew i was gonna throw up, but somehow made it to touchdown. all in all, we did pretty good.


we are staying at a little private resort for special kids called Give Kids The World. and they have been so great since we landed! we had a greeter meet us at the arrival gate, help us with our luggage, and show us through the airport to baggage claim, and to the rental counter. once we got to GKTW, they fed us, showed us to our "villa" and even provided us with tide and cokes. its great! later, the two boys took a bath in a water-jet tub and ate pizza for dinner. now we are all winding down and getting ready for bed. going to EPCOT tomorrow, and will have LOTS of pics to post soon. 


later!

Blessed Be All...

My first book review: An Unquiet Mind

once again, i have been trying to start a new post and have been having trouble getting it done. mmmm, the glories of being Bipolar lol. and on being mentally disabled (i hate calling it an illness, because that implies that it can be cured), i stumbled on a book at B&N and decided on one of my impulse whims to pick it up. its by Kay Redfield Jamison called An Unquiet Mind. its beautiful, absolutely lovely. Dr. Jamison is a Psychologist and also lives with being bipolar herself. in her memoir, she talks about her childhood, becoming bipolar, the struggles of taking medication (namely lithium), and an attempt at suicide. as i read her book, i felt dramatic similarities to my own life. her book gives me hope that i can have a career and function as human being, that i don't to hide who i am. i am bipolar, that is who and what i am. i immediately gave the book to Damien to read, and he did. he had an idea of what i go through, but still sometimes found it hard to truly understand what goes through my mind everyday. after reading the book, we made a pact, i wouldn't stop taking my medications anymore and he wouldn't let me stop. we all need cheerleaders, someone to hold our hand through the rough patches, encourage through the good times and let us know that in the darkness we are not alone. i encourage anyone who is bipolar or knows someone who is bipolar to read this book. An Unquiet Mind won't change the world (my blog won't change the world) but it can give more people an understanding of what it is like to live day to day for those of us affected by this often debilitating condition. below i have listed 2 links to the book:

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/unquiet-mind-kay-redfield-jamison/1100618536?ean=9780679763307

http://www.amazon.com/An-Unquiet-Mind-Memoir-Madness/dp/0679763309/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1338083690&sr=8-1

happy reading :)

life in general, for the moment

i know i haven't posted in a while, but i'm just going through so much stuff i don't want to talk about. Damien retired in late February from the Army on a medical discharge. we knew things would be tight in March till all the retirement pay and VA benefits kicked-in in April. but April came and went, and all we got was disability and Army retirement. The VA hadn't processed paperwork yet. here we are in the middle of May and we are still waiting on the VA to get off their ass. we're getting paid, but its not quite enough to cover all of our expenses. we will survive though, we always do, somehow.
then Damien tells me he has news. he got a job. great! and its in Maryland. :( bad... what am i gonna do? we (the family) have to stay here, so that means he'll have to go by himself. not cool. so looking for him a place to stay. figuring out what to take and what can stay. the boys are gonna be devastated when we tell them daddy has to leave, and its not a hunting trip. but we are already preparing for that.
i'm burned out on school. i'm behind in 2 classes. i know, i should be doing my work instead of blogging, but like i said, i'm so burned out. i need a cheerleader lol. the family wants me to take the summer off, to rest and try to get a second wind. but i'm afraid if i do that i won't go back in October for the Fall2012 quarter. i still have to file my FAFSA for financial aid the academic year. so tired....
i need a vacation, a me vacation. not a family vacation. Damien gets to go on these hunting weekends all the time, i get stuck at home. i want a weekend by myself. to rest, recuperate, sleep all day, whatever. 
as most of you know, i'm BiPolar. very BiPolar. it is something that i battle with everyday. i'm proud that i have this dysfunction, it is part of who i am. but this war that i fight gets tiring, it gets old. i've been taking a new medication, something old school, since around thanksgiving and i have tried several different doses. anyway, i'm not liking the way it makes me feel, emotionally. but then it is supposed to stabilize my emotions. :( still doesn't make the feeling cool. i stopped taking it monday, but Damien and my shrink want me to go back on the middle dose. just for a little while, and treat the manic symptoms as they come. so, i don't know, i guess i'll give it one more try. 
Some good has come about though. Damien got me, mom, and Leva (my grandma) a big bouquet of lilies for mother's day. and he wrote the sweetest, most heart-felt card to go with it. it was great. :)
that's my life in a nut shell. at least at the moment. chat with everyone later. at least Alex is doing pretty good right now. 
oh, and here's an article that i found a few days ago that kinda made me feel better...
Bipolar Disorder Has Its Upside

Lena, my Beautiful

We saw a new pediatrician today. One in adolescent care. She started some blood work on Lena and some X-rays. Lena already has signs of scoliosis. The blood work is to check her basic metabolic functions. Lena has so many of the signs of Mito. But to hear a doctor say and agree that we need to start testing, it's scary. I love my daughter more than life and I don't want her in the same everyday pain that Alex and I deal with. I want to save her from that, to give her something better. and the sad part is, her dad won't acknowledge that there is something physically wrong with his daughter.
In the end though, she will always be my Beautiful. Perfect in every way.

Boys field trip to SeaWorld

the boys had a class field trip to SeaWorld San Antonio today. they enjoyed themselves, got to pet see dolphins up close, alex fed a seal, and they just had an in general educational experience. it times like this though that i remember just how eager and fragile alex can be. even though i took his wheelchair, and he spent a good portion of time in it (mixed with a little running around) he left exhausted. he fell asleep on the bus ride home, i put him in the car still asleep, he slept all the way home, and all the way up until i think 5 or so. just plain exhausted. donovan was just as tired as the other kids, but alex... it just reminds me how fragile he is. i don't know how we are going to make it through a week at Disney World, in the middle of june. we will really need to pace ourselves, that's for sure. class is about to start, gonna cut this short for now... later y'all.

on being BiPolar and seeing Blue October

i spent an emotional roller coaster ride this weekend. so many ups and a few lows. but the ups are what get me. seeing Blue October was one of the greatest moments of my life, but the crash from that a few days later is killer. i wasn't getting enough mood control on my cut back dose of med so called the doctor and taking a risk on the side effects, went back up to the regular dose. damned if i do, damned if i don't. a friend asked me to describe what it is like being BiPolar. its hard to describe, especially when you throw in the effects of also being Schizo-affective. i know this is bit much for some of you, but it makes me feel better to let others know. to know what?, some may ask. to know that i'm not crazy, that i don't ask this way just to be a bitch or to be immature. and yes, these are names that i have been called, among others.
years ago, a question was asked by a non-bipolar forum goer to the bipolars on the forum. "What's it like to be bipolar?" and it got me to really thinking. i tried to answer her question as best as i could and still keep it short, cause as most of y'all may know, i can chatter. but i feel as if enough wasn't said.

being bipolar is more than just having the constant mood-swings, the endless ups and downs. it used to be called Manic-Depressive Disorder, but i don't think that really emcompasses it all. i feel like it leaves something out, so calling it Bipolar Disorder really is a better term. you feel like two people, Jekyll and Hyde. Hot one minute and cold the next. Generally up today and down tomorrow, happy now and pissed off at nothing before the time changes on the clock. your thoughts constantly racing, never really settling on one particiular thing. i wrote a story that took me 2 years, i couldn't stay focused on it for very long, i could see the images in my mind but i couldn't get them down on paper fast enough before they were gone. even your sleep cycles are erratic. you stay up sometimes 2 or 3 days and then sleep a full 24 hours before you are up again. for some, the mental torture doesn't end there. the schizo-affective kicks in and you have to deal with the hallucinations and or voices. personally, i don't have a lot hallucinations, thankfully. i'm fucked up enough.

i am an ultra-ultra rapid cycler. what does that mean? in short, my moods and thoughts can cycle as fast as an MP3 player on shuffle. for the most part, the mood changes go relativley unnoticed, but sometimes they can be severe. Stress usually makes these changes worse. Stressors or triggers cause these often horrific eipsodes. i could literally be laughing and then bam!, like lightning, screaming, throwing the phone and storming out of the house to take a drive. its crazy, i feel like i'm crazy. nuts. psycho. bonkers. but they tell me i'm ok, i'm not the worst thing out there. i'm lucky. i've never done drugs, alcohol, smoked. never been institutionalized. i'm doing really good. i just don't feel like it sometimes. sometomes i wish they could lock me away and throw away the key. i get tired of hurting those closest to me. and do you know how expensive gas in my truck gets? my poor cell phone, Goddess Bless OtterBox. lol

no one can ever truely know what it is like to be in the mind of a Bipolar person. i remember being a teen, and my parents asking me if i was on drugs. they told they were concerned because i showed the signs of someone on drugs. whatever that means. turns out, i was in the beginning stages of Bipolarism, which usually manifests in the mid to late teens, often as late as the early twenties.

i am truly lucky and blessed by the Goddess, though. to have such a wonderful family and friends that have stayed by me through it all. my mom loved me no matter what, my ex would hold be till the rage passed, my husband now cradles me till the crying is over and the crash has faded. my kids...my poor kids. to see their mom happy one minute and angry the next. they will need therapy later in life :( medication helps, it makes the thoughts slow down and the voices go away. helps the moods to stabize, a lot. i can almost function like a normal human. i miss the peace of my childhood. the craziest thing though, is that Bipolar people don't tolerate change, for the most part. and it seems that's all our lives are full of, change. changing from one mood to the next in a minute. flipping thoughts like old men flip channels on the TV. change, constant change.

so Saturday was really o roller coaster. i couldn't keep up with myself at times. i wanted to meet Blue October, to at least get close to them, but the fear was so great it almost choked me. but somehow i over came that and was able to get my autographs. i cried as a walked away, more from being so proud of my self than anything. by the grace of the Goddess, i was also able to get front row seats to see them. another plus, but on the flip side, all those people up there. but i made it through. i sang, i screamed, and jumped up and down. it was great. 
Sunday morning, i crashed. i didn't even want to get a shower, much less crawl out of bed. Damien and i ended up in fight over a puppy, it was insane. something as mundane as a puppy. 
but i'm home now, trying to restablize. my social worker is trying to help me learn new and better coping skills. and all i can say is good luck. both to me and to her. and that story i wrote, as soon as i get done with it, and turn it in for my creative writing class assignment, i might post it here.

i hope this has given some of you a little more insight into the mind of a Bipolar person...

later y'all....

Secrets

I shouldn't have to live in secret because some people. It's wrong. I should be able to post whatever I want on facebook. So, I have unfriended those that make my life difficult. I will probably end getting yelled at or at the least in an argument with those involved, but it's my life and that of my family and I should be able to keep my friends posted on the happenings in my life. What little free time I get. By the way, I'm in Houston, having a lovely dinner with my husband and brother-in-law. Going to my concert tomorrow and will keep everyone posted on all the great fun I have. I'll probably crash late Sunday or not even get up on Monday, but it will be worth it.

April 18, 2012: just rambles

i sometimes wonder why i bother with somethings. went on a field trip today with my Foodservice IT class. we reviewed a great POS (point-of-sale) system for a restaurant, but my gripe was i wasted gas to go there when we could have easily reviewed it and several other systems online. granted it was at a food/restaurant supply convention here in San Anto, but we got there at 3 and it shut down at 4. not cool. and then, this morning i realized when i got to school, i didn't have a portable hard drive, my notebooks for class, or my earbuds. why did i bother getting out of bed. then i find out i was supposed to be in uniform for the field trip. not a cool day. lol... but at least i have my concert to look forward to on Saturday. leaving for Houston on Friday, so i'm so gonna skip class :) 

alex and donovan have science projects due tomorrow, and alex just doesn't get it. mom says he doesn't understand the timer that they are using, he doesn't get that you have to wait for it to go off. i worry about alex being able to get though school, to understand some of the higher functioning concepts. he understands math right now and does really well with reading, he has a little difficult with spelling some of the trickier words, like music and daddy, and some of the bigger words like father. but he does eventually learn them, just takes a little extra work. he is loving is new AlphaSmart writer. we are slowly learning how to use it. 

i'm actually sitting here in between classes while i type this today. my semester ends june 15th, but i stuck with a dilemma. my kids have asked me to take the summer semester off to spend time with them and take them to the zoo and stuff. stuff we missed doing last summer. but i am afraid that if i take off the semester, i won't have the get-up-and-go to go back in the fall. and i am so close to finishing. and my dad is coming down to visit this summer, and i don't want to say "sorry, i can't spend time with you because i have class". that would suck. i did contact my adviser to see if she can help or if she has any suggestions.

well, almost time for class, so gonna cut this off and pack, then head to class.

big smiles and Blessed Be everyone :)

Wow, the stuff you find when cleaning

as i had said before, i printed out my old blog and have been reading over it the last few days. and wow, some of the things i was going through, many of which i will prolly never post about again. but it just reminds me of how we change, grow and overcome obstacles with time. how we can heal, forget and yes, in time forgive ourselves for mistakes. i cherish my family and my friends. i'm not afraid to tell others of my tribulations, in hope that it will help them to heal and maybe find their own path.  i did find an old story that i wrote that i am thinking about using for my Creative Writing class. it needs some work, but i think its perfect. its the best piece i have ever written. besides, it would be nice to shock my class lol... they think i am so meek, quiet and boring. people need to be awakened every now and then. :) i was confused, angry,and resentful. but since having Alex, i have come to accept things better, knowing that somethings aren't my fault and that if we look deep enough inside, we can find our own inner peace. i work with my doctors now to maintain the optimal health for me, both mentally and physically. i'm rattling now, so i'll cut this one short and chat later... but i will leave you with one of my poems:

i wrote this one for my Dad but it still rings true about some of the things Alex has taught me.

Lessons In Life

you taught me how to live and how to love

you taught me how to make mistakes and to learn from them

you taught me how to have fun

you taught me about dedication and perseverance

you taught me about the quality of life, not the quantity

you taught me that i could over come anything, that i was a survivor

you taught me how to fix the car and mow the lawn

you taught me how to live with no regrets

you taught me how to give others my happiness

you taught me the value of friendship

you taught me how to be a parent, the best parent

you taught me mercy

you taught me how to laugh, even at the worst of times

you taught me how to fish

you taught me how to be generous

you taught me to not take life too seriously

you taught me the best ways to pick on mom

you taught me how to LIVE!!

i love you, dad... and i miss you, dad.

Alex's roller coaster

this is the last post i made on my old blog. i think it still rings true for me, even more than 2 years later. i originally posted this on January 25, 2010:

there are always ups and downs with being a parent. a never-ending and wonderful roller coaster ride. 
there is something i should have told the world before now, but was too afraid. i was wallowing in my own grief. my Alexander roller coaster has hit a nauseating loop-de-loop. We have known for some time that Alex had some form of muscular dystrophy. (for those of you that don't understand, that makes him one of Jerry's kids, look it up). until recently though, we didn't know what type. we were soo wishing for something mild, but that was not what we got. granted it could always be much worse than it is, it is still a hard pill to swallow. we found out in november that Alex has a form of mytochondrial myopathy called mitochondrial encephalomyopathy. basically it means that his little body can't make the energy it needs to grow and repair. to date we have seen several different types of specialist and had numerous tests run. He has a heart murmur with a leaky valve, micro siezures, weak muscles, and neuropothy in his legs.
all of this has been rough on us. we sit and wonder some days if we should plan for college or if we should put that money aside to pay for other expenses. Alex is so full of life and love. so much joy. but then roller coaster goes down in a dip and we are faced with the sorrow that no parent should be forced to faced. the possibility of losing a child too early. it is not a matter if Alex has full-blown siezures, but when will they come. it is not a matter of if Alex will ever be in a wheelchair, but when will the day come. we ponder how soon will the gods take his shining face away from us. how long do we truly have with him? 
granted i have 3 other children that gods willing i will get to see grow-up, but i wanted to have that joy with all of my children. i wanted 4 proms, 4 graduations, 4 trials through Junior high, and 4 weddings, 4 sets of braces, and the list could just go on. 
i remember growing up, and that other kids would pick on jerry's kids, and i never understood why. to this day i still do not. now my son is one of them, and it hurts me to the core when someone makes a comment about the disabled and being one of Jerry's kids. now my son does ride the short bus. i am failing to see the humor. many short-sighted and narrow-minded morons do not stop to see the pain that surrounds those children. the physical pain that they feel and the emotional pain that their families go through. 
i want to give him everything now. i want to give him the world today. i want to take him to Disneyland. i want him to run and play and jump. i cherish every drawing he makes. i'm sick of crying, i'm sick of crying alone. 
i keep getting asked by various professionls if i blame myself. no, i don't. there is no one to blame. it is simply fate. and that is ok. 
signing off, will blog more later.....

as i reread this, i was more than a little angry, but it is understandable. so many things in this original are the same, a few things have changed, and some predictions have come true... but we will continue to live, learn and grow.

Hello

its been a long time since i've sat down and written about life. so many things going on these days. school, Lil Alex, Damien (now retired), and the family in general. i will be posting a lot about Alex, some about Damien and his adjustment to retirement. there may be things here that bother or upset some, and for that i apologize, but my life is complicated. there will be some re-posting of some older blogs transferred from an old site, things that i think others can still use and enjoy. there will be stories, poetry, and memories. behind the screen, you can be assured that i am laughing, crying, smiling, or simply having a sad time of it. what started me on this renewed journey into posting is my creative writing class. the professor encourages us to write, usually random thoughts, in a journal everyday. but my thoughts are far from random. but i don't want my thoughts to hide in a notebook. i want to share them, they may give others hope, joy, or a sense that they are not alone. comments are welcome, the good, the bad, and sometimes the ugly. but i will not tolerate bullying, putting others or myself down, or just plain being rude. constructive criticism, please. well, i will keep this short, its time for class, but will start posting tonight or this weekend. happy reading and Blessed Be to all.