In Maryland, and stuck...

so i made it to Maryland on the 2nd of July. still no place to live and Damien was fired on last Thursday, the 11th of July. i can't get into specifics here. its just doesn't make any sense. none. my stuff is stuck in storage. my life is in the worst kind of chaos it has ever been, and i want to go home. my life is a whirl wind right now and i just want it to stop. on a good side, there are lots of people that want to help us to get back on track. people that want to fix what happened. people that want to help us through this rough time. even to find Damien a new job and to get us there. wherever it is. they even want to get us back to Texas if at all possible. i have been through so much the six months. i've crashed to my lowest and picked myself up by myself. i've changed some really bad habits, and gotten help with some awful ones. i've made new friends and cleaned out some bad ones. i've rediscovered journaling and driving for the sake of driving to clear my head. i wish i could go driving now, but i don't where the hell i would go in this ass backwards state. lol... right now, my first instinct is to run, just run. but i know that is the wrong answer. i'm so confused about so many things, and no one to go out with. I MISS YOU, MONICA! i need someone to talk to, to help me sort things out. part of me wants to say " i hate my life, it sucks", but on the good side at least we are together as a family again, at least we have each other. things will get better, and with any luck, we'll be back in Texas sooner than we had originally planned. 

later,

Blessed Be...

An attempt at prose

this is an attempt at prose. just something to get my creative juices flowing and to get somethings out of my head.

AMENDS

I sit here tonight wondering

If you will ever want me again

I suffer from a heavy sadness

One that is rooted deep in remorse

I regret all that I have done

The lies, the cheating, the secrets

I don’t know how to say “I’m sorry”

In a way that you’ll understand

I wish I could prove I’m changing

And you could see the new me blooming

I still face temptation at every turn

But rise strong and meet it head on

I hope you someday see this new strength

That wells up in me and grows everyday

I want to say “I love you” a thousand times

Yet face a fear that it will only anger you

I miss you so much, ache for you daily

Your love, your touch, your sweet kisses

I am dying and there is only one cure

You, your love, your final forgiveness

Finding my way with new coping skills

i'm working on changing some of my bad coping behaviors with healthier, better coping behaviors. but it almost seems like an impossible task. i know its because i'm trying to change too much too fast. i feel like i'm trying to change the very fiber of my being. i feel like i'm being set up for failure before i really even get started. i know these changes are for the best if i want my relationship to work. i know they are for the best if i want to better myself. 

Coping skills:

* seek out support/friends. DO NOT isolate myself. 

* learn to control and let go of my anger by taking a walk, not breaking/throwing things, and not screaming. Breathe deep, always.

* take an active role in fighting depression by getting exercise such as walking the dogs.

* avoid destructive sexual behaviors by calling a supportive friend. 

* take my meds. Even when I feel I don't need them. Including sleeping pills. 

* creative writing exercises

one of my new coping skills is to write, both poetry and short story. but i'm so stressed out and depressed right now i can't think. i downloaded some apps to assist me in writing poetry. i figured i'd start there first. a little more simple than trying to write a short story. even though i have these apps to help me write, i still have writer's block today. but then it has been a hell of a day and i'm tired. 

when it comes to getting more active, i did try to walk the dogs with lena today but king ended up dragging me. i put a stop to that by running to Petsmart and getting him a prong collar. much more well behaved now lol. so gonna try walking them again tomorrow. 

right now i'm sitting here, writing my blog, trying to cope. coping with the fact that i have really f'ed up this time. i miss damien, i miss my companion, my best friend, my lover. i wish i could change the things i did, take back the things i said, but alas, i cannot. what i can do is change the future. coping skills, that's what i need. and a strong support system. i need to shed all of this negative thinking and begin to see the light at the end of the tunnel. to see the good things in life. positive happy thoughts is what i need. 

i will get through this!

blessed be

later

You Might Be A Texan If...

i just had to post this here, it was easier than sharing  it with all my friends on FB lol...

YOU MIGHT BE A TEXAN IF..........

1. You can properly pronounce Corsicana, Palestine, Decatur, Wichita Falls, Mexia, Waco, Beaumont, Pflugerville, Kerrville, Boerne, New Braunfels, and Amarillo.

2. Your manners include: "Please", "Thank You", "Excuse me", "Ma'am" & "Sir" & you wanna punch those who don't use them.

3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to put the stuff out in the yard you wanna get rid of.

4. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway.

5. You’ve ever had to switch from “heat” to “A/C”, TWICE in the same day.

6. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.

7. Stores don’t have bags, they have sacks.

8. You see people wear bib overalls at funerals, with the utmost respect!

9. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

10. You measure distance in minutes or hours.

11. You refer to the capital of Texas as “home of the Longhorns.”

12. You know that the Chicken Ranch didn’t really raise chickens.

13. Little Smokies are something you serve only for special occasions.

14. You go to the lake because you know what a Bigmouth and a Striper is.

15. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

16. You know cowpies are not made of beef.

17. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan a wedding date.

18. You have known someone who has had one belt buckle bigger than your fist.

19. A bad traffic jam involves two cars staring each other down at a four-way stop, each determined to be the most polite and let the other go first.

20. You know that “Damnyankee” is one word.

21. You aren’t surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, and bait all in the same store... & it's a Drive-thru.

22. You always have iced tea & cold beer available for guests.

23. A Mercedes Benz is not a status symbol. A Ford F350 diesel 4x4 is.

24. You know everything goes better with Ranch dressing or hot sauce.

25. You learned how to shoot a gun as soon as you can walk.

26. You actually like these jokes and are fixin’ to send them to your friends.

27. You know not to order a chicken fried steak using words like “rare” or “well done”.

28. You never use the word “veggies”.

29. You know where the Cotton Bowl is.

30. You are 100% Texan if you have ever heard this conversation:
“You wanna coke?”
“Yeah.”
“What kind?”
“Dr. Pepper.”

Positive/Negative Thoughts

I often wonder at this low time in my life, how am I supposed to post something positive? Don't get me wrong, I feel blessed. I have 4 wonderful children, a great man for a husband, and a supportive network of family and friends. But it is often difficult for me to post the positive things in my life. right now the depression is really bad, almost a desolate feeling. there are times when i just feel like i hate my life, but really i know i don't. i have so much to be happy for. 

for example, right now i'm having a discussion with damien over the future of lil walter because lil walter is happy here for the most part but he is causing so many problems. i don't know how to keep the peace any more. i don't know how to keep lil walter happy. he wants to be here but he wants to be with his dad and i've told him he can't have it both ways. 

its seems like every week something is going wrong with my house. whether it is something small that looks like something big or it really is something big... its always something. recently it was a bad surge protector strip that caused the living room breaker to trip. took me half a day to figure out what it was. 

then i have the stresses of school. i have to pass, i have to go 3 more weeks in this term, but i just don;t have it in me. its the depression, i know what it is. i'm pretty sure i'm gonna pass 2 of my classes. i may barely pass Spanish. but the last class, i'm not so sure if i'm gonna pass. :( and that just adds to the stress. 

about the best thing i have to look forward to is the fact that i'm moving to maryland. i can't wait and wish i could go now. but even that feels like a daunting task ahead of me. all the packing and the arrangements to find a suitable place to stay. 

it seems like everywhere i turn, everything i seem to do has a downside that i just can't get past. but it wasn't always like this, there used to be sunshine at the end of the tunnel. i promise. 

on another up note, damien will be home for a short visit to take care of some paperwork in a few weeks. :) and i can't forsee any downside to that.

well, later y'all

Blessed Be

We're going to Maryland!

i have made a firm and final decision. i am moving to Maryland to be with Damien. i know to many this may seem like a selfish thing to do, but its not. the boys and i will go to Maryland to be with Damien, where he needs us and we need him. Lena and Walter, for various reasons, do not want to go and that's OK, i'm not gonna make them. 

i'm already getting ready. i know its early, but i'm super stoked lol. let's see... i found the frogs a new home, for one cat (Ginger) a new home, getting rid of some furniture (thanks, mom) and re-homing some knick-knacks (love you, annemay). that leaves one cat that needs a home (Honey) and some other stuffs that will need to be gone through. some of our stuff will stay here in storage (the garage), and the rest will obviously go with us. 

right now, the big concern is trying to find a place to stay up there. finding a rent house is not easy, mostly apartments. unfortunately all the complexes are still stuck in the 80's-90's, and Dobermans are still listed as dangerous breeds. :( so King wouldn't be able to stay. so we are trying to find an alternative to renting an apartment. on top that, is the washer/dryer issue. down here, you rent, you have to provide your own or use the community or local laundry facility... up there, if its for rent, it comes with a washer/dryer. but i want mine lol. a nice large capacity front loader with matching dryer. after 5 years together, i've kinda grown to love the old team. :) but i am gonna make the best of this move!

so far, gonna be traveling with me, the 2 boys, 2 big dogs (one with high anxiety), and 5 cats. i'm trying to reduced the number of cats i have to take. really i am lol. but on a good note, damien will hopefully be flying down to drive back up with me. i'm gonna need the help. looking at leaving June 3, taking 4 days and arriving on the 6th. so that means taking the next term off :( which i'm gonna hate. but its for the betterment of the whole. 

i said i would never leave Texas again, but for damien i would go to the ends of the earth. and its not forever, its only for about 2 1/2 to 3 years. i can do this, it'll be an adventure! i just hate the snow. he says they don't get a lot, mostly cold rain, but still, its cold. and that's what worries me the most. taking Alex into that cold, humid environment. he's strong and active, but in his own way he's so fragile. all it would take is one bout of pneumonia. but i will take every precaution to make sure he pulls through this move. we can do this. i love little Alex, and would not intentionally put him in danger, but he's not doing well away from damien. he misses his daddy. he's starting to have accidents and wet himself and now this unknown stomach pain that i can't fix. i hoping getting him back in the arms of his daddy will help alleviate most of it. i think at this point in Alex's little life, the benefits of going to Maryland outweigh the risks. 

well, i think i've said my spill. gonna cut this off.

later

Blessed Be

Hope and Love Still Exist

There is an organization called Honey Bee Gives Back. you can find them on FaceBook. They Angels up with children (honey bees) who have a terminal illness. i contacted them last night and Alex was paired with an Angel this morning. and an Angel she is. they send these very special kids letters, cards, and care packages. they don't have to do this, they volunteer to do this. they are just as special as the kids they "adopt". Alex's care package should arrive next week and i will keep you guys posted as to how it goes. i knew there were people like Make-a-Wish, and to get approved for a MAW trip was amazing enough.... but this is just wow. when we found out what Alex had and that his little life was on a delicate string, all i could think about was all the things he was gonna miss. but there are people out there that make it their goal in life to make sure these kids don't miss a thing. this is just wonderful. :)

later y'all

and Blessed Be

Thank you, Angel Alisha!

Stupid House

so we buy a house Aug '10 and it has been nothing but trouble since we moved in. now the foundation is cracked, and its a new house! we've had 2 cracks fixed so far, and have been told its not that bad. they have replaced the tile in the downstairs bathroom and the foyer. now the kitchen tile is cracked. bad. we've plumbing problems, electrical problems, and paint problems. even the plaster on the walls flakes off. not cool. 

i said this house had bad karma lol. but oh well, its a home, our home and we will have to make the best of it.

blessed be

oh, and don't ever buy a DR Horton home. Never!

Back to School

Well, the first two days of school are done. That means the first week is over. Just ten more to go. Lol. So much information has already been crammed into my head, it hurts. Literally, I have a headache. Slept like a rock last night, without even taking anything for sleep. I don't know if it was from exhaustion, or if I'm getting used to sleeping alone. I'm hoping it was from exhaustion. I miss my cuddle buddy. I miss my snuggles. But most of all, I miss my sweetheart.
I went to the store to pick up a few things and passed by the valentines section. So I thought I would pick Damien up a card early while selection was still good. I ended up buying four because I couldn't make up my mind which one I liked best. I decided to send him one a week till valentines day. Lol. I figured it was the best I could do since we can't be together on the day of love.
But back to the subject of school. It's gonna be a rough quarter. So much information. The quarters seem to be getting harder as time goes by. Lets see, I'm taking leadership & organizational development, accounting, Spanish, and foodservice financial management. So much going on. But at least I like all my teachers. The bad thing is, I'm in class till 11 on Tuesday and Wednesday. I had to reschedule Alex's therapy so that we could make it. I have to say that I miss taking him to therapy all the time.
I'm still sleepy from the last two days. Gonna take me a bit to get back to a school schedule. I have homework and chores waiting for me when I get home, already. My day never ends it seems. My work never ends. I wouldn't trade my life though. I'm finally happy. I'm stable. The only thing I would change right now though is to have my husband back home, but I know this job separation is for the best, for the family.
Well, Alex is about out of therapy. I'm gonna cut this off and chat later.

Later and

Blessed Be